La vida misionera...

It's easier to leave than to be left behind.
Before I came here, what I had experienced in highlights of missionary life was that it was always harder than other people than on me. My favorite, or most fitting salsa song is called, "Me tengo que ir" (or la persona ideal), "I have to go." It has become customary that I leave. It's the preface for all of my relationships. One of the beautiful things has been the opportunity to develop relationships despite this 'condition.' I have been blessed either by people that will accept it and love me anyways, or by people that have that same missionary spirit and the understanding of the "leaving" condition. I am so grateful, so incredibly blessed.

What if I am the one left behind?
Circumstances have changed a bit since the year began. In the early phases of 'la vida misionera,' I was certain that I would not be in the US any longer than I had to be. While that may be true...the amount of time that I 'have to' be here has changed. I am so excited to stay in New York and continue discerning religious life! ...the problem comes when we begin to look at the rest of the puzzle.

side note...
If you ever seen Raising Helen, Kate plays Helen, a carefree professional, who, upon the death of her sister is entrusted with the care of her 3 children. Her eldest sister didn't think that she was fit to fill this role, as she had spent her childhood raising Helen and the other sister. She herself married young and had children of her own. The sister's perception of Helen's incapacity to raise children stemmed from a long-time bitterness around not having a childhood of her own. In a heated argument, she described what it was like caring for her siblings, and called Helen, "Tra-la-la Helen."



In many ways, I have always been "Tra-la-la Mary." Going where I please, following the Spirit and my heart. Until now, it's meant that I leave people behind. This is the first time that same thing means being left behind. I am being 'left behind.' By two of the most AMAZING young people that I have ever known. For the last nine months, I have had, in a community of 3 missioners + 5 sisters, all of my needs in communal prayer, socialization and ministry met. But they are leaving. Not the sisters, but my comrades...The other two points of my triangle (the 'gut' and the 'heart' personality to go with my 'head'). Ha, life is so dang beautiful, but not easy.

Michelle, my belle, is going to Villanova to rock their theology department working in Mission and Ministry and obtaining her graduate degree. Crys is shipping off to the Philippines for two more years with the mission corps, internationally. That is so wonderful...but that doesn't make the transition easier, does it? I make it a habit not to get attached. That is the second half of the 'leaving preface.' It's funny because after a few days or a week, news of them leaving would have been an upset! They are that INCREDIBLE!



Separation Anxiety.
After 10 months of constant transition in Prayer, Community, and Ministry, we are less than a month away from Crys leaving, a point that keeps sneaking it's way in and ruining our conversation. It was mentioned at the beginning of the year that transition in its entirety takes about a year...so before we've completely settled in, we're going to shake things up again! :(

This is not what I bargained for...or is it? Ha, maybe I'm just upset because of how this all works. This is the life I want, the life I chose. I guess it's not even really justified to complain...it's selfish :( I am really happy for Crys and Michelle. Michelle will at least be close and MegaBus dates have been scheduled for the fall, but Crys is going to be 8,599 miles and +13 hours time difference. I have never been that far removed from anyone I've become close to, and I only got her for 10 months! :( Selfish?....a little bit.

Where is the beauty?
I need to trust it is coming..in God the Father, Son, and Spirit. There has been so much. We have talked for the last 9 months about how bizarre it is that we found each other...I mean, that God put us together. God has just been lavishing mercy, grace, peace and joy. But...There is more to this journey than this year. I am sure of that! There is too much of God and the Sprit in this experience for it to only be about a 10-month commitment to the Mission Corps.

This weekend we celebrated the birth of the Church, Pentecost. When I was in mass, the following phrases would not leave my thoughts:
Advocate - the Holy Spirit is the advocate that Jesus sent amidst the absence of his physical self.
Peace - How true it is that we need peace. Reconciliation, calming nerves/anxiety, ....peace in all things!
Change - O how we need to be open to change for the better, to be open to the surprises and the mystery of God working in and through us.
Awaken Us - So often when I'm in discerning conversations around vocation, I am called to "wake up." There is so much to be aware of...often we are waiting for experiences of God that we are already having and just not aware of or willing to recognize and name as 'God.' I would propose, not only for myself, that we try be more willing to admit that God is all over our lives!

Happy Birthday! Ha, my birthday just passed, but with my birthday and the birth of the Church, a lot of wishes have been made...wishes for more peace, more joy, more love, more understanding, more grace, and certainly more openness and disponibilitá! Stay tuned.

Haiti, a slideshow that "Option + Apple + Esc" can't get rid of...

So. This morning, Sr. Doris asked me to look on my computer for a website to buy holy water font liners. Done. I opened my computer to fulfill this request. On the screen, was playing a slideshow of my pictures from Haiti.

I have a Mac. I proudly own a Mac. I tried to escape that slideshow, and no combination of keys could close it! That does not happen on Macs. Macs are the kind of computers that even when they shut off because they run out of battery, when you turn it on, everything is just the way you left it (Word Docs, internet browsers, the works).

Sr. Doris was like, "Oooo, what wonderful pictures."....ha, I didn't mean for them to be up and as she was looking over my shoulder, I was so confused. Well, I guess I have to turn it off.

I restarted my computer. I do not like to resort to the power button, but I had to.

HAITI. I'm waiting. Maybe I need to be more open, but I am waiting. Waiting, with an open heart and a little bit of disponibilitá, to see what the Lord has in mind for this girl. It could just be a fluke, a random coincidence...but I'm becoming less and less convinced that there is such a thing.

That was TOO WEIRD!

The glory of the LORD bursts forth on you!

I LOVE that! Tonight we went with Sr. Toni to Carnegie Hall for Paulus, performed by The Oratorio Society of New York. Sr. Toni knows one of the singers, so we have been fortunate enough to go twice since she's moved in here. It was very lovely. AND, I will not lie to you, but I was EXHAUSTED today! Yesterday morning I gutted out my room...which means that it didn't start to look like my room again until 2am today...add in work, dinner, prayer, I was a tired little missioner! I wish I could say that I wasn't dozing off....but I was :(

BUT it was so beautiful! Paulus began with the story of Stephen's ministry and his martyrdom by stoning...It continued into Saul, who had delighted in the death of Stephen. The chorus sings "Blessed are they who have endured. For although the body dies, the soul lives on." "The LORD forgets not His people." Saul needed conversion...he claimed to be doing the work of God...and then he was blinded by the light on the way to Damascus. "Jesus," so appropriately a section in the balcony asked Saul "Why do you persecute me?" Pretty strong reality check! In the continuing of Saul's story he waited and prayed; Ananias goes to meet Saul and he prayed over him, put his hands on him. The LORD sent him so that his sight might be restored and he was filled with the Holy Spirit.

THE GLORY OF THE LORD BURSTS FORTH ON YOU!

Dang, that is so true. His sight was restored, and he was baptized Paul. Immediately, he began preaching about Christ in the temples...God is so gracious! I would be lying if I say that we stayed after intermission. I knew that I would not last, and it was 9:30 at intermission. The second part was about Paul and Barnabas and Paul's martyrdom as well.

AWAKE! Paul's sight was restored. For a time, every time I opened my eyes, "AWAKE!" Was on the LED screen, as the performance was sung in German. I continue to be amazed by two things; the first is how much we need to pray to have our sight restored. There is so much grace in the wisdom and understanding of God. So much of my discovery and discernment has involved opening my eyes to God's presence all around me. I also have been tuning into how much finding vocation has to do with waking up! In a way, I feel like I am waking up, and pray that I continue to do so. We need to be alert, aware, actively participating, and ready to go where God sends me!

THE GLORY OF THE LORD BURSTS FORTH ON YOU! You are darn right it does! I cannot go a day in the life without being mindful of the glory of God BURSTING forth. Somedays it is harder to notice than others, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't take much work to see it EVERYWHERE. Like Justin just said to me the other night, there are no co-incidences, there are only God-incidences. I believe that 100%. I continue to be blessed by my life as a missioner. In a lot of ways I think that this time has been selfish, but I hope in my own growing awareness of God's presence, grace, and glory, that I sharing it with others! I continue to be excited and empowered in this journey, and it a journey supported by so many forces (the girls, the sisters, beautiful community and prayer, ministry)!!! I just hope that I am being open enough to be moved and changed in ways that give life!!

"You cannot put new wine into old wine skins...or is it the other way around?"

Ha. Father Tom gave a homily after the readings yesterday that was on target. It was the reading from the Acts of the Apostles where the Pharisees are arguing that Gentiles becoming Christians need to be circumcised because that's what they always had done. So often, and we've all done it, we say to ourselves, "but this is how we've always done it." He said that Jesus came to teach about relationship, not about the law. We are creatures of habit, BUT, as Fr. Tom pointed out, being open to change allows to grow and gives us spiritual life.

This is SO darn true! Love it!

Love Is...

"Love is an act of the will, in which you choose another's good over your own." JPII

Today Michelle and I went to Catholic Underground. The group meets once a month (accept for summers) to have Vespers, and hour of Eucharistic Adoration, and some form of entertainment after. This gather, which presents and obvious spiritual need for young adults in the city is always PACKED!!

Brother Columbo, one of the CFRs usually is part of the group that plays music, and he often presents somewhat of a guided reflection. What he talked about as they continued to play "This is love song," was obvious the need for love in our life. The need to talk about it, to have it, to feel it, etc. This message is clear in the movies, music, everywhere we look. But if God is love, then that presents something, doesn't it? ...there is an obvious need for God in the world, and that the presents two things. The idea that we will never have that need for love fulfilled here (desire for eternity)....the other is that love is a choice. That it's not based on feeling because 'feeling' is not always there. And it is when 'feeling' is missing, that the the CHOICE to love is most important.

That is an awesome nugget of wisdom that is not only important but necessary for life, for ANY purpose/vocation. For religious life, marriage, being single, etc. The choice to love and be about the good of others is ALWAYS important...

That's enough about that for now, just food for thought!