Before I came here, what I had experienced in highlights of missionary life was that it was always harder than other people than on me. My favorite, or most fitting salsa song is called, "Me tengo que ir" (or la persona ideal), "I have to go." It has become customary that I leave. It's the preface for all of my relationships. One of the beautiful things has been the opportunity to develop relationships despite this 'condition.' I have been blessed either by people that will accept it and love me anyways, or by people that have that same missionary spirit and the understanding of the "leaving" condition. I am so grateful, so incredibly blessed.
What if I am the one left behind?
Circumstances have changed a bit since the year began. In the early phases of 'la vida misionera,' I was certain that I would not be in the US any longer than I had to be. While that may be true...the amount of time that I 'have to' be here has changed. I am so excited to stay in New York and continue discerning religious life! ...the problem comes when we begin to look at the rest of the puzzle.
side note...
If you ever seen Raising Helen, Kate plays Helen, a carefree professional, who, upon the death of her sister is entrusted with the care of her 3 children. Her eldest sister didn't think that she was fit to fill this role, as she had spent her childhood raising Helen and the other sister. She herself married young and had children of her own. The sister's perception of Helen's incapacity to raise children stemmed from a long-time bitterness around not having a childhood of her own. In a heated argument, she described what it was like caring for her siblings, and called Helen, "Tra-la-la Helen."
In many ways, I have always been "Tra-la-la Mary." Going where I please, following the Spirit and my heart. Until now, it's meant that I leave people behind. This is the first time that same thing means being left behind. I am being 'left behind.' By two of the most AMAZING young people that I have ever known. For the last nine months, I have had, in a community of 3 missioners + 5 sisters, all of my needs in communal prayer, socialization and ministry met. But they are leaving. Not the sisters, but my comrades...The other two points of my triangle (the 'gut' and the 'heart' personality to go with my 'head'). Ha, life is so dang beautiful, but not easy.
Michelle, my belle, is going to Villanova to rock their theology department working in Mission and Ministry and obtaining her graduate degree. Crys is shipping off to the Philippines for two more years with the mission corps, internationally. That is so wonderful...but that doesn't make the transition easier, does it? I make it a habit not to get attached. That is the second half of the 'leaving preface.' It's funny because after a few days or a week, news of them leaving would have been an upset! They are that INCREDIBLE!
Separation Anxiety.
After 10 months of constant transition in Prayer, Community, and Ministry, we are less than a month away from Crys leaving, a point that keeps sneaking it's way in and ruining our conversation. It was mentioned at the beginning of the year that transition in its entirety takes about a year...so before we've completely settled in, we're going to shake things up again! :(
This is not what I bargained for...or is it? Ha, maybe I'm just upset because of how this all works. This is the life I want, the life I chose. I guess it's not even really justified to complain...it's selfish :( I am really happy for Crys and Michelle. Michelle will at least be close and MegaBus dates have been scheduled for the fall, but Crys is going to be 8,599 miles and +13 hours time difference. I have never been that far removed from anyone I've become close to, and I only got her for 10 months! :( Selfish?....a little bit.
Where is the beauty?
I need to trust it is coming..in God the Father, Son, and Spirit. There has been so much. We have talked for the last 9 months about how bizarre it is that we found each other...I mean, that God put us together. God has just been lavishing mercy, grace, peace and joy. But...There is more to this journey than this year. I am sure of that! There is too much of God and the Sprit in this experience for it to only be about a 10-month commitment to the Mission Corps.
This weekend we celebrated the birth of the Church, Pentecost. When I was in mass, the following phrases would not leave my thoughts:
Advocate - the Holy Spirit is the advocate that Jesus sent amidst the absence of his physical self.
Peace - How true it is that we need peace. Reconciliation, calming nerves/anxiety, ....peace in all things!
Change - O how we need to be open to change for the better, to be open to the surprises and the mystery of God working in and through us.
Awaken Us - So often when I'm in discerning conversations around vocation, I am called to "wake up." There is so much to be aware of...often we are waiting for experiences of God that we are already having and just not aware of or willing to recognize and name as 'God.' I would propose, not only for myself, that we try be more willing to admit that God is all over our lives!
Happy Birthday! Ha, my birthday just passed, but with my birthday and the birth of the Church, a lot of wishes have been made...wishes for more peace, more joy, more love, more understanding, more grace, and certainly more openness and disponibilitá! Stay tuned.
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