Take nothing for the journey...

Last week Wednesday, the Gospel reading, like the one for today, talks about going out and carrying nothing! I remember being younger, and in young adult discussion groups there being talk of what Jesus really means...in readings like today, he tells us to go and take nothing. In other readings, to sell all you have and take nothing...

"Of course, Jesus doesn't really mean to sell all you have and take nothing" they would say...
"What if He does?" I always thought, "...how beautiful! "

Last Wednesday, in the homily, Fr. Tom said that as long as that Gospel passage were true, there would be religious life. As long as anyone finds it attractive to leave behind all possessions and follow Him, then we don't need to worry about religious life fading away. I like that story.

Vince Lombardi vs. Mother Cabrini

I'm pretty sure it would be a close match! I mean, come on, their quotes are even comparable! :)



Last night, Laura and I had the pleasure of going with Sr. Mary Lou to see "Lombardi," the broadway play for event sponsored by the Cabrini Mission Foundation. It was such a blast, and a special treat for Laura and I, both Wisconsin natives! Thank you CMF!!!!

There is an appointed time for everything...

Need I say more?

Again, God just keeps ...being...Himself! :) Before I came to Cabrini I had the experience of meeting a wonderful Messianic Jew from Nicaragua. We met Salsa dancing, and though the relationship got...complicated, I never stopped appreciating it!



Today's reading included the explanation of how there is a time for everything. I will also include this reading, as it's so important to remember just how balanced life is! In all of it's complicated simplicity that reading is SO TRUE! When I was getting to know Bernardo, I almost resisted it! He ALWAYS brought it up! What do you mean a time for love and a time for war? A time to love AND a time to hate? Yes.

I am finding now....more and more, just how important it is to have an awareness of this truth. It really brings a peace in accepting that life calls us to different responses at different times. We cannot keep EVERYTHING, that is why we need to cast away. That can pertain to junk (haha in my house everyone had a dresser drawer that was their "junk drawer"...looking back, it's kind of ironic that we didn't label other drawers that too!), it can pertain to ideal and expecatations, ....sometimes even relationships. Because it is our job to come up with the best response possible as life comes head on, we are called to do that prayerfully and with and openness to learning and wisdom. It is my prayer for all of us, including myself, that we be mindful of that!

Yay God for the inspiration of such a useful way to understand balance and trust! AND I mean...look there's even a time to DANCE!!! I think that I'm going to have a little less resistance to this part of Scripture!!! ;) Enjoy!

Eccl 3:1-11
There is an appointed time for everything,
and a time for every thing under the heavens.
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to tear down, and a time to build.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them;
a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.

Come: At table with Cabrini!

On Tuesday night, we at Columbus shared in a truly Cabrinian time at table and prayer. WIth sisters in the city from all over the world, we were 12 together at table. Seven of us from Columbus, Yolanda from Nicaragua, and Lúcia, Noberta, Gloria and Mary Angela from Brasil. The prayer I chose for the evening was from Sacred Space and it truly was a 'sacred space'!

Diane had the great idea of using the Sacred Space in Portuguese so that the Brasilians would be able to read along too! It was so beautiful to have the exchange of both languages, and thanks to Yolanda we had all that we needed translated!

After the beautiful reading from Ephesians, which I'll include so you get the idea, too, I passed around a bowl. In the bowl were some of the most powerful words that were in that part of Scripture (call, unity, faith, hope, love, Spirit, gift, etc.). The papers had the word in English and Portuguese, and the direction was simply to take the word and sit with it. Maybe it was the word that we each needed to hear, maybe there was something else from Sacred Space that stood out....it was quiet.

When the sharing began, Mary Angela, a member of the laity from Brasil shared her word and a beautiful expression of having your what we do should come from the head, then go the heart, THEN go out in action. The sharing continued, thankfully not in order so that no one felt pressured to share! By the end, everyone had decided to share their word!

Diane shared her word, "Come." She laughed! At first she saw it as the word 'come' in Spanish, which means to eat. But the word in English, 'come.' is the idea of us all gatheirng together. We were 12 at table. We shared a meal of physical nourishment, but more importantly shared in Eucharist in the way that we were all able to share our faith's, despite language barriers. HOW BEAUTIFUL! It was really quite emotional for me to be in the presence of 11 strong women, both religious and laity, myself included. It was touching to hear everyone's perspective, most via their word, on what the Gospel says our mission is as part of the Cabrinian and greater Christian community. It was beautiful to hear what people from other countries had to say and how relevant their ideas were even though they are from other places of the world. The part that we really awesome for me was to watch my sisters, the one with whom I live in community share their own spirit-filled reflections on their words from the Gospel. Pretty cool, huh?

I just keep finding that no matter how God-given the experiences here are, ...they never run out! He just keeps giving us more opportunities to experience Him in all that we do - in our prayer, our community time together and in each of our ministries!

(Ephesians 4:1-7, 11-13) I therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to the one hope of your calling, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is above all and through all and in all. But each of us was given grace according to the measure of Christ's gift. The gifts he gave were that some would be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until all of us come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to maturity, to the measure of the full stature of Christ.

Yo No Sé Mañana...

No sé de hoy, ni de este momento! ¿ Quien sabe? Haha...Everytime I've turned the radio on in the last 3-4 days, the song "Yo no sé mañana," has been playing! And I was like, that's so true; I don't know about tomorrow, heck, I don't even know about today...or right now! That's where trust comes in!

All I can do is try! I came back to NY, and my first feelings were of utter relief. My summer was very special and much-needed, but the feeling of coming back to Columbus was just as great as all of the time spent away! I had been so long without the sisters!! I came back during prayer, and as soon as it was OVER, I ran into the chapel!! They are so wonderful!!! Angie, Archangel, Diane, Toni, Mary Lou, the WHOLE gang!! AND the new missioners - it was so great to finally see all of their faces! Skype is a good way to keep in contact, but a hard way to meet!

We quickly all got to spend time together, as the spider bite ensued. Everyone had a hand in both the attempted diagnosis and treatment of that thing on my arm! The missioners definitely had an interest! Sr. Toni, bless her, took time to take me to the ER to finally get the abscess drained! It's hanging in there! The good news is that I still have my arm, and the volcano is missing!

We also went on a boat cruise together! Though the event itself was questionable, I had a great time spending the ride with these three lovely ladies!!



Who knows what the rest of the year has in store? I'm just excited to see what's next!! I just pray that I stay open to the graces that come through the joy and challenge of this new yet familiar experience!

Summer Away...Part III

HOME! (August 19-31)

Coming home was a time of closure for me. Not that I won’t be returning, but it was a time for me to see people that are important to me and share that with them. It was a time for me to discuss where I am in my life and to express that though I might not always be around, it doesn’t reflect just how grateful I am to have them in my life. It was a time to go home, and the graces given were, wisdom, joy, peace, and MORE LOVE!! :)

From home home to my Green Bay home, to Jules in Madison, to Scott in IL, to Sr. Bridget at the retreat house…so many people, so many wonderful experiences and conversations!

The first weekend I was at home my parish had their annual Family Festival. It was a great opportunity to walk the grounds and catch up with many people that have had a hand in my growing up! I also got to go dancing!! Before dancing, though, I was luck enough to have a LONG-OVERDUE visit with Dan…who knows, at least now, I hope just how pivotal a role he’s played in my life without knowing! TOO MUCH TIME WITHOUT SALSA!! My health and mental well-being got re-started!! The people at the Wherehouse are SO GOOD to me! They are just too beautiful and so genuine! Got to have dinner and an evening with Jess (even though we didn’t go to Chicago for the show I was invited to ;)…dinner with Joan, coffee with Sr. Patty…the list goes on. AND OF course, with Mary O!!! :) My youth minister from HS whose come a long ever step of this long journey in a short time! One of the days my brother and sister and law came over with my nieces and nephew…one thing that I can never forget is how everyone is getting so grown up and I’m missing it ALL!!!



In Green Bay I got to spend time with the family that I babysat for when I was in college! They were my family for 3 years and continue to be very special people in my life! I also got to see Carla, Crystal’s aunt that was a great contact to have up there! I also spent the night with Andrea’s sister and kid’s who have an exchange student for the next year! They put up more than anyone with my stories of the summer! I went to St. Norbert where I was able to visit the director and a member of the Norbertine Volunteer Community! I also got to spend time with my old (former ;) campus minister, and the director of community service and development. I also got to see one on my professors!! I hope to have another opportunity to go back!



In Madison, I got to see a little bit of the world Julie’s created in the last year, which didn’t exclude time for some fun and dancing! Great to see her, as she returned from the DR after I did. It was during this time when I got the infamous bite that …

well, most of you know, but here’s part of what the process was!! This, is in no way, a reflection of the visit!! :) I had a wonderful time!

My trip to IL was nothing short of grace-filled! A quick one-hour with Sr. Bridget at the retreat house in DesPlaines was a God-given hour, for sure! Afterwards I headed to see Scott! Scott, since college has been one of the most special friends that I have…that’s put up with me! It was nice to share my experience of the summer…especially Julio, with him. Julio, though a TOTAL SITUATION, was a big part of my discernment over the summer. I got to catch up and hear about his life, which he always seems to be better at than I am!! …I talked…mostly the whole time… :( dang. Why am I so lucky to have such beautiful people in my life? I also got to spend time with his family. Between Scott, his mom, and his sisters, I have just about the best group of supporters a girl could ever ask for. Again, what did I do to deserve such good and Spirit-led individuals?!

Oh, and one of my baby sisters is in college now. Can we talk about that? She was the one that got the crash course on diaper changing! Forget about babysitting class! She was 2 and I was 8! A mature 8 lol It was again, such a beautiful experience to see what was only the beginning of her transition to college life! I am so excited for her and thrilled to see her becoming more who God made her to be!! Go, Sarah ;)

My experience ended up and home, one more night of dancing and Jim, one of my favorites even took time before I left for NY to teach my sister, Rebecca (like that?) to salsa for a quinceañera! Can one person really be so fortunate?! Going home is just another reminder in life of how much God is present everywhere and always. That brief trip in many ways served as a life review at age 24, and I jgust keep thinking, “God, really? Yes, really.

Thanks for listening…or reading!

Summer Away...Part II

The DR (August 6-August 19)
The DR was NOTHING less than what I expected! If anything, the people were more welcoming, more loving, and more faith-filled. I stayed a night in Santo Domingo with a friend from Elias Piña before heading out there the next day on a bus.

We arrived the next evening in Comendador, a town in that province at about 7pm. I RAN down the cobblestones to Miguelina’s house to drop of my bags at their house in one of the closer neighborhoods outside of the center of the town, and I ran into town to find Julie! She left WI ahead of me to have more time in the DR, so I met her there! It was so great to see her after a few months!

Looking back, there is something really surreal about that time in Elias Piña. After the dramatic month-long experience in Ecuador, the week and a half (after travel), FLEW by. The daily routine, if there were one, involved me sleeping while Julie went for a run. We would have breakfast together, and often separate. Julie has a lot of personal friends in from the month she spent there last year.



I spent most of my time getting the insight and wisdom of Miguelina. We met Miguelina, when we went in 2008, as the morning worker at the bakery. In the last days that we were there, Miguelina offered us some of the most heartwarming hospitality. That standard she set has since gone unchanged. She welcomed both Julie and me into her house with open arms as a mother. Treated as daughters and sisters by Miguelina’s husband and sons, we felt right at home!



I had the opportunity to fall in love with their neighbors that Julie met last summer. The children are so affectionate and loving. The adolescents of the parish, eager to include us in going to mass, spending time at one another’s homes, and of course – dancing! I wish that I could explain the purity of being in a place where the value of relationship with God and others is lived out everywhere! The graces were unlimited and offered all day!

It’s funny the way that I don’t have a lot to say….it’s like when you talk about your home versus a new place that you’ve never been before. Elias Piña is just….home. I had many pictures to share of time in the campo, playing uno with the kids, having a feast day celebration at our home for the Blessed Virgin. Unfortunately, my pictures were deleted, but there are some that was able to get before leaving!

One there are two more important people that I didn’t mention yet! Lizbeth is my little friend…which is only partly true because she’s getting so old! I cried leaving in 2008 after knowing her for all of 10 DAYS! Her houses is one that I could just find returning because I follow my heart. She is such a special girl! Her biggest upset is always that I haven’t come to stay at her house!

Lizbeth 2008!


Lizbeth 2009!


Lizbeth 2010!


The last but NOT LEAST – Elvira!
2008...


2010!



She has been most like my mother ever since I met her. She has the incredible rough exterior, with reason, but once you express a mutual care, she is so tender and caring. She always wanted me to come to her house, meet her children, etc. I spent more time there this visit than I ever had, and had plenty of time to spend with my girl Carolina (her granddaughter)! When I went to Comendador the first time, I literally wanted to bring her home with me. TOO CUTE. Ahora esa mujer no es facil! She is one of the most difficult little girls have ever known…quite the attitude, but my love for her…greater than ever. In this visit, she told me, “Te quiero.” AWWWW I love her too! And she would yell for me, “Tia María.” What an honor to be called Aunt Mary by beautiful Dominican child!!

Carola 2008…


Carola 2010!


She was probably one of the hardest people to leave, the family, nearly impossible. I’m like crying as I type this. Is it possible to feel so much a part of a family, whose acquaintance has grown to love in only a few weeks combined!? These people are my family.

The blessing of being in the Dominican Republic did end at being welcomed again to Comendador, but had the finale in Santiago. A couple days before I left, I took a bus from Santo Domingo to Santiago to visit my sponsor child, María. She is so beautiful, and the spitting image of my personality at age 11. She is so shy, which I can appreciate probably more than any other adult. I understood every action, every ‘verguenza.’ On top of us both being introverted and her shyness, we had two of the program’s staff, as well as the taxi driver and all of her family watch our interaction… I don’t blame her for being embarrassed!

In April when I started to sponsor María, I had already booked a ticket to go to the DR, so the visit came on the very early side of the sponsorship. She and I hadn’t even had letters exchanged before she knew that I was going to her house! Though the visit was a little premature, it was so beautiful. I got so see mi hayjada! Seeing her and meeting her family gave me a lot of peace around the sponsorship. The visit, of course, is very ‘monitored,’ so I need to trust that she’s really getting all that she needs.

I think that the visit was good for two other reasons, the first is that they had a chance to see who I am instead of what I am, a sponsor. She learned that I am a young adult and a missionary! I know that they tend to thing of sponsors as having a lot of ‘extra’…so it also gave me peace for her to know that I am really giving her all that I can…She also learned that I was just like her when I was young ;) I told her I NEVER talked, so I just kept assuring her that I didn’t expect her to be talking a lot!

The other grace was that they know how near and dear their country is to my heart. That I don’t see my life in the US as better than theirs, in fact, that desire their lifestyle! It was a good perspective for them to see and value their own culture a little more, knowing how desirable it is!

The conversation…was a little forced. Ten people in a room that don’t know each other, a recipe for awkwardness, no? Haha, maybe just for me, but either way, I brought UNO! Thanks to Julie for the idea, I was able to take time to teach María and her family how to play! Before the game was done, a staff person was playing, a few members of María’s family, María, even the taxi driver, and all of the neighbors were looking in to see how to play! It was fun!! By the end, I could feel and see in Marías eyes, which are GORGEOUS, that she was a little more comfortable, and I started to see that smile coming out that made me fall in love with her from the beginning! When I had to leave, I made eye contact with her, and it was as if we had a quick little conversation…

Thanks you for coming.
Thank you for having me.
I’m really glad that you were able to come.
I’m sorry that it was so short, but KNOW that I care about you and pray for you!

There was a warmth, love and appreciation on both sides and I left, so grateful to have had the chance to meet her. She knew that I wouldn’t know when I’d ever be able to afford to come back, but that it was special that I was able to come at all. So many sponsors, even with money, never have a chance or take the time to visit their children. God was so present in the sponsorship and visit! Thanks be to God for that! I hope that there is some way to show just how beautiful this 11-year old is!

Leaving only the Dominican Republic, Stop #2, was hard...it always is, but there's a sense of peace I have in knowing that as lost as "Dios quiere." There will be a time when I will see them again!

Summer Away...

So...it's September, and this is when I said that my post frequency would be improving! As promised, a post! :)

I'm going to try as best as possible to sum up in a single day, all that was the grace of a summer of traveling!



ECUADOR (July 8-August 5...or 6th)
As most of you know, this summer was to be one of closure for many reasons. I was traveling around because, well, I'd always said I'd return to these countries, but MORE because after a year of not having income, I was left to wonder when returning might ever be possible. My trip back to Ecuador, where I had studied abroad in the Spring of 2007, was planned to last for a month. It was to spend time with friends and people I had met in Quito, and to take time away from the city, alone, to pray and reflect more about religious life (infamously named, "mi semana de soledad," or my week of solitude).

Arriving to Ecuador, I became aware of many things. I didn't want to come with expectations....but that's kind of hard! I found Quito....not quite as I remembered, or as I had left it! This was a little hard at first, but nostalgia wanted some things to be the same. It was GREAT because I was able to let go of Ecuador 2007, experience Ecuador 2010, and get some closure (I've had, since I left, the desire and kind of infatuation with all that Ecuador was for me). I was blessed to have a friend, Cesar, who was one of my closest Ecuadorian friends, pick me up from the airport. It was so INCREDIBLE to see him again! I had hoped also to return with my friend Jess from NC that I was close to there, but she couldn't come! :( Returning alone to Ecuador, I was so grateful to have Cesar's friendship and a place to call home! :) He graciously accepted me into his home and though he was very busy with work, let me complicate their lives a bit by driving in and out of the city with them every day. Thank you!!

Cesar drove his car into Quito to leave it at his mom's...which was a HUGE blessing because being with her was such a GRACE. I got to spend time with her, getting to know her story and sharing some of mine. At the same time, I FINALLY understood more about how latina mamas are! When I went back to Ecuador, I was so nervous about meeting with my host family, but I finally did because I appreciated them so much more after being more open to understanding latin family life! In the last 3 years I'd been gone, all of my siblings (then 25, 30 and 32) got married! And my mom, Maya, is already una abuela! :) Her granddaughter Sofia is so beautiful!

Soo.... the "semana de soledad."

I took a 10-hour bus ride through the night to a fishing town where I had gone with my friend Jess during Carnaval 2007. During that holiday time, there were NO PEOPLE, so I knew that if nothing else, I really would be ALONE!! When I got on the bus, the woman that sat next to me with her baby granddaughter exhaled a sigh of relief, and in Spanish, said - "Thank God, I'm sitting next to a woman!" I was thinking the same thing! For one, neither of us needed to sit for 10 hours next to a strange man, but more, she had a baby and didn't want her to be sitting next to a strange man! So...they were heading back to the coast where they were from, and where the mother was....AND....I LOOKED LIKE mom! Talk about graces for discernment! We were on the bus at 8:15pm and until 4:30am when they got off, the baby reached for me all night! With the most sincere look in her eyes, as if to say, "Mom, I'm hungry" or "Mom, I'm tired; hold me." ....So I fed her...and put her back to sleep, each time handing her back to the grandmother, only until the next time she'd want me! What a blessing....and how beautiful to experience that as a person discerning a path that wouldn't include me having children of my own. I will not to give up nurturing, but give up the experience of having a child look at me in that way...and as it happened,...I just felt peace. Peace and freedom....a letting go...

When I got to the fishing town, I had planned only to go to the beach, go to mass, and to spend time in reflection with the book, Vocations Anonymous.....and of course, to be open to anything that God wanted to see and/or experience! The mistake I made was sharing with EVERYONE that I met in this TINY little town, that I was there to reflect more, alone, on entering religious life (you'll see why). The first day that I was there, the only goal I had was to write my mission story that was supposed to be done at debriefing in June. I didn't write it, I discovered, because I was afraid to let go of last year. My Cabrini Mission Corps experience of ‘09-‘10 was easily one of the best years of my entire life per the relationships, the growth, the understanding, EVERYTHING....we were ALL putting off writing this gosh darn thing, because why would anyone want that to be over?

The problem: it was keeping all of us from moving forward to what lie ahead!

So I got together all of the energy I could through reflections from St. Vincent Palloti Center on ending the year, the readings calling me to be 'new' and the homily fit right along with it! I came home from this mass that, I found, was to take place daily at 7:30pm everyday. My only goal for the night was to write my mission story and I DID!!! :) SO GOOD....so the next day I wrote to Crys, Mish and Gina explaining why I'd been putting of my mission story...wrote them each a letter, and by the end of the day went back to my room with the peace of knowing that I FINALLY made a choice to move forward! :)

Hang tight.
The next day I went to breakfast and, rounding the corner, I found myself accompanied on this walk! "Eres de aqui, de Puerto Lopez?" Um, no, I'm not from here...I came here from Quito (orig. from the US) for 'una semana de solded.' Names were exchanged (his is Julio), but I told him that I wanted to spend some intentional time away from everyone with the idea of religious life. "En serio? Cuantos anos tienes?" 24...too young, perhaps he was thinking.... The same age (he's actually 6 days younger!)...we walked for a minute or two and he left me to go about my business. After a delicious cup of American coffee, I was headed to the beach (don’t get too excited, it was cool and cloudy!) for the rest of the day!

Bueno. I sat down and jotted down some feelings...where I was in the process of discernment, how I felt about being a sister, how I felt I was being open to what God was asking of me...



I began to read the book and stayed the whole afternoon reading the first few chapters and making notes of how it related to my own discernment process, but…it started to seem a little…fruitless. According to the book I was a flaming case of a religious vocation! It was very confirming of where I have come in the process of discerning religious life, but it left me feeling…like “now what?” Okay. So I’m going to be a sister :)

That night I was walking down the street that I was staying, looking at the few shops that there were, and of course, that put me right back where Julio was! I avoided him in EVERY way possible, until…he asked me to go dancing! That is the one weak spot I have …and being very deprived over the last 8 months, I conceded.

In my journal I would describe that evening as a problem for my “semana de soledad.” Rather than a week of “soledad” it would be come a “semana de comapnía.” And even though I wasn’t planning on a week of company, more than reading about book about religious life, it turned out to be exactly what I needed for my discernment.

I am going to try, in as brief a way as possible (ask anyone who’s gotten the full-length version!) to describe what this relationship was and how it affected my process of discerning, but also understanding life just a little bit more.

Julio and I were to begin what became, quickly, a melodramatic romance…I know that I have seen one too many films that portray this very same type of interaction!

I had tried at least once to convince him to leave me alone…for his sake. After a few days however, I had begun to discover that it would be not only for his sake, but mine, too, that this relationship stop. The night that I told him that I wanted to go home and not see him any more. It was the most honest, and probably harsh, that I have ever been with a man. I told him that I did not like the way that he had been treating me. In general, I had been having a good time, but it wasn’t worth the way that he would talk down to me, or pout, play games, etc. I said that for days I had been around him knowing how he was, so that was okay. BUT I said that I felt very bad for any other girl that he would date not ‘knowing’ how he is. That is TOO typical a situation-a girl not to know the dignity that she deserves and thus not commanding it.

He looked and me the entire time I gave my shpeel about dignity and how people should be treated. I have never seen eyes open so wide, and…well, oops, he started to cry a little…

After realizing just how much I had been putting up with, he asked me to sit down, and Julio and I shared what was to be our first very honest and sincere conversation. This would also be the point where I actually start to like him. YIKES! I stayed for 3 more days adding another day or two to my week of “solitude.” Being there, with him, was something I needed, but also very difficult. I was alone, emotions were high, and the environment had a lot of pressure and acceleration with the knowledge that I would only be in Ecuador for a short time.

My “retreat” was not guided by a director, but it was thankfully guided by the readings for each day. I literally THANK GOD for the timelessness of his words, and the way that they spoke to me that week (through scripture itself, the people I met, the experiences I was having). I was intentional about spending time everyday with his Word before going to mass (in Spanish and English!). The priest of the parish at Puerto Lopez was very supportive and protective of me during that time. He knew that I was being challenged, and he offered, daily, his prayers that I would be guided in the right direction. The families of the church even started to invite me to their homes and accepted me as part of the community!



The day before I left Julio tried to convince me to stay longer. He suggested that I call my mom, because …moms just know! So I called my mom, knowing that she was a logical person, and that she would give me the advice I needed to hear. “Go back. You are alone. You need time away to process all that’s going on.” Thanks, Mom!

So I was headed back to Quito…but after I bought my bus ticket, I was getting sick. I didn’t really want to go. After that talk that Julio and I had, things were quite different, and I was actually falling for this guy. I know, ME! As I boarded the bus to head back to Quito, I was devastated. I did not want to go. I did have other things I could do, but nothing that I had to do. I cried myself to sleep on the bus…

Arriving at 7:30am, I headed out to Calderon to César’s house and got there at 9am. I won’t go into detail, but when I got back, I just kind of felt …alone. Why did I leave Julio to come back in the first place?

I called my mom.

I told her that I wanted to go back…after a heightened emotional conversation and my mother wondering if I should really go back, my response was “Isn’t it just enough that I get to have the experience of feeling this way?” Fine. “But you have to go to the Dominican Republic." Deal.

That night, I was back on a bus through the night to Puerto Lopez! I showed up at 4:30 in the morning! I waited until about 5:20, sitting out Julio’s store journaling. I sent him a text, just to see if there was a chance he was still awake. He answered immediately! He wasn’t sleeping…we talked for a while and went to breakfast together. Everything was wonderful for…a couple hours! At breakfast the sun started to come out for the THIRD day on the equator (it was the rainy season). I was EXCITED!!! I’m going to the beach! “No you’re not.” Oh, really?! Pretty sure that I am.

We fought about that…I know!

“Fine, go read your nun book!” I packed a towel and my journal. I wasn’t going to read, I was going to enjoy the gift of sunshine and to PROCESS the guy! WHY DID I COME BACK?! I wrote a letter to him telling him what my intention was in coming back. I explained, that though it was difficult for him, that I am a person that thinks a lot. And he was talking WAY too much about the future. I told him that if he was looking for someone to be that committed after a week to find another one! But on a more serious note I said that I came back to be in that space with him, unknowing…to be open to the graces that God was presenting for both of us, and I invited him to join that space. When I returned to give him the note, I proudly handed it to him. I was sure that he would understand, maybe apologize, and…well, he got angry!

I KNOW! He started venting about how something was wrong with my forma de pensar…the way I think…”You only think about the nuns! Just go to your nuns! I can’t marry someone like you, wondering every day if you’ll still be around (alluding to disponibilitá).” …he was exaggerating, but it was better that he realize that this wasn’t ‘meant to be’!!!!

“You’re right, can a rewrite your letter?!” He handed the letter to me, and I was so grateful to him. It is the way that I think! :) Thank God ;) It’s not because sisters wouldn’t be good mothers or wives. It's because they can’t get the idea of religious life out of their head because that’s what they were made for! I thanked him for helping me to better understand and said that I have never had the experience of being attracted to someone in that way. How special it was that he gave me the opportunity to discern religious life with the idea of being with someone in that way! I did tell him, though, how much I still hoped and had faith in him finding the right girl… He got MORE ANGRY.

“If you want to pretend while you’re here until Sunday, I’ll do that. I’ll act like were dating and walk around with you if that’s what you want, but after you leave, I never want to hear from you. Don’t call, write or email me anything!” Angry, he told me to delete every text message I had ever sent him. I’m sure he was searching for “No, Julio, don’t make me do that!!!” BUT, of course, I deleted them! Then he said to delete every message that he had sent me. Naturally, I complied. Now both of your phone numbers! Done.

At that moment he realized that he had no record of my existence.

That, of course, though what he asked for made him FURIOUS! That would be the first of a couple more times that I would not really feel safe around him.

I do not know how I left that situation, nor do I know how things turned, yet again, but that afternoon, it was like it never happened…

That was all in the first few hours after returning! I’m sure you can imagine what the next five days would be like! I know this is getting long! SORRY! This is the short version! HA!

The last night/morning that I was in Puerto Lopez, would be the WORST of the WORST! And as HORRIBLE as it was to be around him, that afternoon right before I left would be the BEST of the BEST. That afternoon was indicative of what the whole experience was – a lot of really high highs but too many low lows. Either way, we ended on a good note…I was sad to go, more emotional than the first time…which is surprising because I had my period the first time! (TMI, I know!)



Returning to Quito was hard for two reasons. I had two days and too many things to do in a very short time. The other reason was that Julio would not stop calling me! In addition to being mean and controlling…I left out the part about him being jealous and distrusting! He didn’t trust me to be with any friend from school …it was unfortunate!

But even though he was sending me mean messages, I still had a wonderful time with Alejandro a friend from my jazz class. He and I had a very intriguing conversation about life, religion, maturity, really great and grace-filled :)

I had the blessing of seeing my host family from 2007. My three siblings had all gotten married in the last three years, and one of my sisters had a year-old baby! For the first and only time, I was able to CONVERSE with my family! Believe it or not, my Spanish was significantly better than when I studied there! We talked about life, learning, religious life. It was so special and such a God gift!



I got to spend some last minute time with Susy and César and the gang, but everything see so rushed as I was preparing to leave :( The night I was packing to leave I had my last conversation with Crys before her departure to the Philippines on the phone…I ran out of money on my phone, so I couldn’t even call Julio!

That morning, I went with my bags to Susy’s, and only 15min before I would have called a cab, Julio sent me a text. “¿Puedes venir acá?” Well…he knew I didn’t have money, so why would he asked me “Can you come here” if he knew I couldn’t answer!? A minute later he called me and said, “Don’t be silly, I’m in the airport!” Ahhh!

Called a cab, grabbed my bags and headed to the airport! I got there when I really should have checked in but stayed to talk to him for a bit...



the fact that I stayed at all to talk to him meant that I was missing my flight…I didn’t know that, though. I went through the doors, and he left. When I entered to check in, the counters were deserted. One straggler said, “Esta cerrado.” How could it be closed!? You all just leave and nothing happens!? At that moment, all I could hear was my mom saying, “What ever you do, you have to go to the Dominican Republic.” OH MY. I was going to have to tell my mom that because of this guy, I missed a flight from Quito, Ecuador to Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic.

They told me to pick up the service phone and press “0” to get help. I did that. Nothing happened. They told me to go to the AA office…I waited an hour as my flight boarded and I heard my name being called…I was missing an expensive flight…

They said that they could not help me and sent me to their offices in the city to try to rebook...there were no available flights out of Quito for weeks! What should I DO?! I had already given my cell phone back to Cesar, and the ONLY phone number I knew by heart was Julio’s! So I called him and he came back to help me!

A few hours and $450 later, I had a ticked to the DR from Guayaquil, the largest city in Ecuador about 7 hours away in a bus….that city, my friends, is where Julio is from. That is where he came from, through the night, to meet me before my flight. He and I took the 7, turned 10-hour, bus ride to Guayaquil to catch my flight the next day.

We had one more day together! Great!! Just a little more time. BUT rather than enjoying it….I had never wanted to be further away! In a high stress situation, involving a lot of money that I DON’T have for careless decisions, the time proved to be anything but wonderful. He treated me in all of the ways that I asked him not to. And when it came time to leave in the morning he took me to the airport. “Me quieres más o menos?” Knowing that I DO NOT lie, he thought it would be a good idea to see if I liked him more or less at this point. I was honest. “Menos.”

I went through security, anxious to be sure that I didn’t miss another flight. I was headed to the DR a day late, which only (a big deal with a lot of embarrassment) meant that I had to change the visit with my sponsor child to the end of my trip. On the plane I tried to review and process Ecuador, specifically Julio, so as to be the best I could for the wonderful people in the DR. I started to get so excited to go and as everything got more and more familiar, including the faces to pick me up at the airport. I couldn’t help but be incredibly thankful to God for ALL that he has done and continues to do in my life.