The Holy Innocents

When I was a child, one of my 'church books' (church book - a book I was allowed to look at during Mass) that I was always most drawn to was this story, from the Gospel today. There was something in this story, that as a small child, drew my heart to the tragedy of all those children. I just remember the pictures of the soldiers walking through the arches with swords in hand and mothers everywhere fallen to the ground weeping over the bodies of their lifeless children. I had, somehow, forgotten that book, until today.

As I was reminded of the story today, it led me to ponder first, "What was so appealing to be about that book?" I wonder if I looked at it in curiosity, confusion, or compassion...what was it? Could it be my heart hurting for those who die so young, so innocent, so holy? My mother had a still born child. At that early of an age, could I have been sympathizing with the other woman who lost their babies? I'm still reflecting about that!

I went to celebrate Mass with our senior sisters, and Fr. Michael elaborated on this tragedy that caught my attention from a very early age. We were asked, have you ever known someone who, though many were affected (or in some cases even died), escaped tragedy, and was left asking the questions, "Why me? Why did I survive?" It was proposed that Jesus might have, in His humanity, wondered the same thing. Why me?

That "Why me?" is a question that we must all find ourselves asking at some point in our lives. Two minutes earlier and we would have been in a car accident. Just a few minutes earlier on the train and that could have been us...we've all experienced this, so, why us? Good question. The answer is what we do. The answer is how we respond with action to the call of God in our lives everyday, because if we're still here, there is a "why." There is a reason. And the world offers us too many examples of "holy innocents' today, too many unjust 'deaths.' It should be our goal...our reponsibility...our purpose to be the 'reason' why we're still here (or at least try)! It's not an easy thing to attain, but one that Christ also sought, himself! Let us get to work!

Family

Today, in the Church, we celebrated the feast of the Holy Family, a feast that is only 89-years old! It was begun because of the disintegration of the family. It was a celebration that originated in Canada! Fr. Stephen today posed the question, basically asking, "Has it helped?" Has it mattered for our 'sense of family,' to have a feast that commemorates the very family that welcomed our Lord here on earth. His answer was honest...maybe not... BUT more, he stressed the importance of families, both of birth and of desire. He recognized the reality of disfunction within both, but highlighted the fact that at times, they are all we have.

The homily today reinforced my appreciation and love for families, both of birth and desire, despite difficulty and disfunction!

Family of Birth



Families of Desire



We are reminded a lot about family in the readings and the Gospel today!

December 22, a day to remember!!!

“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord; my spirit rejoices in God my Savior. For he has looked upon his lowly servant..." This describes me right now!

"When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the infant leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth, filled with the Holy Spirit..." This describes my mom right now!! :) Her exact words were "I feel like Elizabeth when Mary came to greet her. Mary had such good news and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. My heart leapt with joy at your news. And my spirit is full to the point of tears. Bless you!" Thanks, Mom!

Today I went to meet with our Provincial about my future! She said that she spoke with the Superior General of our congregation and that it is official that I am accepted in the formation program of the Missionary Sisters of the Sacred Heart of Jesus! My heart is SO JOYFUL right now!!!! The process will be challenging and lasts a long time, but just the idea of beginning makes me rejoice!



When I was talking to the Provincial, I was reminded of all of the people that have contributed greatly to my life, starting with Jesus, my parents, my family (biological and parish!), my friends, and the Missionary Sisters themselves! This time for me has been one of uncertainty, but of great faith in the will of God. I feel affirmed today that I'm listening. May my life be a continuous effort to be aware of Jesus in everything that I do! I truly feel that this is how God has been calling me to respond in my relationship with him, and I am so grateful for the support that has been offered by all! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

I need to go call my dad and my sisters, but I wanted you to know because I don't want to miss sharing it!! I want to shout from the rooftops!!! :)



Today we celebrate Mother Cabrini's entrance into heaven. This is typically the celebrated feast day of a saint, but hers is in November. It is very special for me to officially begin this part of my journey on the day that she finally got to see Jesus, whose Sacred Heart was the center of her life! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace and Joy to you as we prepare to welcome Jesus, again, in a couple days!

Angelic Voices

(Jer 23:5-8; Mt 1:18-25)The Gospels reveal precious little about the man who became Mary's husband, and how he overcame the cultural and religious traditions that stood between them. What we do know is that Joseph had the courage to listen to an angel in a dream so vivid that it could not be ignored. In what ways have you listened to angelic voices?

YESSSS!!! Go, Joseph!!!

In the Heights: Paciencia y Fe

On Friday we went to see "In the Heights" on Broadway! The productions was a humbling reminder of how important these two things are - PATIENCE and FAITH.

PATIENCE
It hard for me to remember to wait. I'd imagine that you might struggle, too, so we're in this together! It's important to be active in our lives, but so often, there's an element that we cannot control about what happens in our life: timing! Sr. Grace always says that, "Everything happens on God's time and God is ALWAYS on time." That's hard to remember when we're working and not seeing results. It's especially hard for me in times of frustration and uncertainty. We're all challenged to grow and move forward. It's easy to think that should have happened...yesterday. Tonight was the reminder that it's not about my schedule, or even yours. It's about His! How can we wait?...with faith!

FAITH
Faith is an essential element in having the patience to wait for God's timing....it's a willingness to believe and really trust that God will be and do all that we need as it fits into the bigger picture. That's probably even harder than waiting! But together they give us the strength to continue. We receive the strength to be active and move forward based on the promptings of our heart. We receive the courage to be, knowing nothing more than that we feel what we are doing is of God.

My prayer is, then, as we enter into the Advent season, that we be ever mindful of the need for patience and faith in our lives, as we await the birth of Jesus, and as we continue to try answer God's call in our lives as Mary and Joseph did!

JOY!!!

"I rejoice and share my joy with all of you.
In the same way you also should rejoice and share your joy with me."



Yes!! In Paul's letter to the Philippians, read in the Church today, we hear the reminder to SHARE JOY!!! I LOVE THAT! :) Don't you?

Last night I met with the Medical Missionaries of Mary. In their communtiy, there was such a sense of joy! I had dinner with 5 of their sisters, and when their postulant came home, again, LOTS OF JOY! :) She had missed dinner because of class, so they gave me the opportunity to talk to her on my own. We were talking about the components of peace and joy in discernment. She definitely, after discerning between a draw to two communities, that this is the one, with which she felt both joy and peace. Peace is good, but without joy, we begin to lose part of who we are!

So, joy....do I still have it? I sure hope so. Please tell me if you don't see it! When I came to Cabrini last year, I learned that joy and peace were key to my own discernment. When I applied to come here, despite many unknowns, I felt, through the Holy Spirit abounding joy and peace. Does that mean that the year was ALL joyful and ALWAYS peaceful? No, but in difficult times I had to go back to the beginning, to be mindful of why and how I came here. I need to remember how enthused I was to be part of the Cabrini Mission with Crys, Mish and the sisters. I had to go back to how alive I felt when I first read Mother Cabrini's story. That, with prayer and support of my community helped me through my first mission year.

Now, I've entered a new time of discernment, and though there are challenges, I need to remember what it was that made me think that I was doing the right thing. Knowing that I have been called to this mission in some capacity; that through prayer, I really felt that this is where I am supposed to be. That I became so excited at the idea of, and ready to begin, the process of a growing commitment that I asked for an application. Though I was excited, my family and friends, the sisters...that didn't mean that along the way it would always be joyful and peaceful, but I can go back to how much I've felt a constant balance of affirmation and challenge along the way. Talking to other communities has really helped to facilitate that, especially in the last month. At Maryknoll, first it was a little unsettling...the thought of, "Is this really for me?" Taking it to prayer, to community, I've thought, "I think so." :) Heading to second community, I was nervous. Am I going to leave thinking the same thing? No!

After my conversation with MMM's postulant, I was very grateful. She, like a spiritual director, asked me a lot of questions that I needed to process and answer out loud to know if I am in the right space. And I think that I am. Talking about my year last year, with the 19th Annotation of the Exercises, the sisters, and missioners, I was reminded of how much JOY was exuded last year. Sometimes when I'm stressed or confused, that goes away, but I hope that the majority of the time I share my joy. I hope!

Joy is so beautiful and so powerful. Joy, along with Love and Peace, is among the fruits of the Holy Spirit!! I hope, in the the time to come...as I move forward, to be mindful of those fruits. It's a pretty good diet to be on, don't you think?!

Happy Wednesday!

Galations 5:18-25
Brothers and sisters:
If you are guided by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
Now the works of the flesh are obvious:
immorality, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry,
sorcery, hatreds, rivalry, jealousy,
outbursts of fury, acts of selfishness,
dissensions, factions, occasions of envy,
drinking bouts, orgies, and the like.
I warn you, as I warned you before,
that those who do such things will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, generosity,
faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
Against such there is no law.
Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified their flesh
with its passions and desires.
If we live in the Spirit, let us also follow the Spirit.

Amen? AMEN!

Gang's All Here!

Just thinking about how last year our community was so busy, constantly passing one another! This week, with Angie, Dianne, Isalia and James gone, that left the missioners, plus Toni and Archangel. Last year, after our busy week, Crys, Mish and I were all over the place during the weekends. We found time in pairs with one another, but weekends were not exactly downtime to be together.

This weekend was pretty awesome! It was busy, but fun-filled with time for relaxation. The incredible part - we were all HOME! On Friday night, we watched a movie together that was given to me to watch by a Mercy Sister. I was so amazed by the fact that all four of the missioners, including Toni (Archangel can't help it, waking up at 4am!), were together. That's pretty cool.

Saturday, the same thing, the four of us went to the HS because Jenny and Grace had the Mission Leaders Scavenger Hunt in Times Square. It was so fun and SO exhausting! After the scavenger hunt, we dispersed - Jenny to the HS with some girls, Laura to home, Grace to dinner with friends, and I to dinner with some of the seniors. BUT in the end, we were all back in the community room by like 9pm to hang out and relax. Sunday, the SAME thing! Everyone had their daytime plans, but in the end, everyone supported Laura and I in our desire...need to watch the Packers vs. Vikings! The missioners, Toni, AND EVEN ARCHANGEL (stopped by to see what kind of snacks we set out :).

Thank you! I have wonderfully full weekend, but with the community that I've come to call home! And tomorrow the missioners and I are going to take some time to pray and eat together to reverence our CMC community! YAY!

THANK YOU!! :)

Turn that 5 upside-down!

The Enneagram Made Easy
Ha. That's the name of a book that we have floating around, but as AMAZING as the Enneagram is, it certainly isn't easy!! In the journey of getting to know yourself, as well as appreciate others, it gives you a lot of work to do, I think!

Last year I totally consumed myself with being a 5 - the Observer. The fives are the quiet ones, avoid small-talk and dread large social functions, always thinking, always analytic, the last to contribute to a conversation, but always having a desire to contribute. 5s tend to be introverted and almost always prefer either to be alone, one on one, or in a small, intimate group. Of the Gut, Heart, and Head centers, the 5 is a 'head personality.' I would have liked to say that my personality is more 'heart,' but when I am honest with myself, I am definitely a 5.

That being said, after a year of constantly saying, "I'm a 5" or just raising my hand with five fingers, we had the Enneagram workshop as part of our community retreat. As we went through the numbers, I doubted, "Am I really a 5?" I didn't check off as much on the 5 list as I had the first time, and on the contrary, I had a lot more check marks on numbers that I didn't think I was or could EVER be...so what's the verdict?

I am a five...at my very essence. BUT I realized that I checked off more on the 8 list (where I go in my positive compulsion, when I am healthy) and less on the list of a 7 (where I move to in my negative compulsion). This is good. :) So I feel like I might be a little healthier and stronger, due mostly impart to the experience and openness of last year, as well as my incredible community/support system. Thank you :)

So why did I check off more in the other categories, too? I'd like to think that as we grow and learn...we just become a little more 'rounded.' I feel like a more 'multi-faceted' person after a year of mission. I am certainly not perfect, but I learned a lot about how God is calling me and how to reverence the way that he calls others!

Discussion with Crys
We skyped in Crystal to our CMC Community time on Saturday, and as we took time to share I learned a bit more about all of my community members. I also got feedback from the community about what I shared. And Crystal, who totally needed to mentor me into my gut side empowered me with, "Yeah, turn that 5 upside down!"

The moral of the story is that I'm trying. I'm trying to learn more about myself, and what God is calling me to. When I put those two things together, I started to ask myself, "Are you afraid?" The answer is a big fat YES! The good news is that I'm less afraid then I was before, and realizing that is the emotion that I respond to the most, I can name my fears and work to be less timid...which is funny if you look at the NO FEAR post from earlier! I'm trying...I guess that's all I can do right now - keep trying and praying for the graces that will allow me to witness to God's work among us!!

NO FEAR

NO FEAR

2 Tim 1:7
"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

I had the awesome blessing of being able to visit my uncle on Saturday afternoon. I hadn't seen him since the month before I came to Cabrini, August 2009. In January of this year, he was diagnosed with cancer. Since then, he's been making trips back and forth with my aunt to the Cancer Treatment Centers of America, Philly location. Last year when I was in and out of Philly, I had always been in town for business, and it just kept not working out...at least on my end, to see him. BUT....I spent last week in Philadelphia staying at the college to do some testing and to be with Gina at the office.

I was talking to my mom and we agreed that it was too important for me to see him (her brother), so instead of spending time with a couple of the sisters (though I hope they understand) I stayed with on Friday night, on Satruday I went to the cancer center. This time, about two and a half months ago, my uncle came with my aunt and my cousin, so I was able to see all three of them!

My aunt came in a car from the center to pick me up, which was so wonderful because I've never had a car while in Philly...and it was a limo! I know...rough life, huh? The sisters took me out and met her, which for me was VERY special. My sisters have both come to NY, but up until now, nobody else has had the chance to meet them! "You're meeting them before my mom!" I shared. Either way, the next stop was my uncle! :) I had just been in a conversation the night before about godparents, and I was particularly excited to have the chance to visit with my godfather!

Along the way, I had the opportunity to share with my aunt, who thankfully is close to my mother, about my summer away and about my recent discernment of religious life. I hope that she appreciated that conversation as much as I did, because I think that's one of the first times that I've been able to have such an adult conversation and actually have time to talk to her! A lot of our gatherings are around holiday times, and as I usually spend more time with my cousins, it was really beautiful, I think, to share a little bit of where I am with her! :)

Arriving to the center I dropped off my bags in the luggage room, and headed up to see him! Awwww, I love that! He reminds me so much of my mom...I'm just like, "Stop!" Their humor is EXACTLY the same, it kind of cool...and, of course, funny :) I got to talk to them more about the current status of my time and experience with the sisters, again, something beautiful to share with them. After a bit, we went down for lunch and all sat outside, and when I paid close attention to my uncles shirt I read the verse at the beginning of this entry!

NO FEAR. One of the patients of the clinic had shirts made like that, I believe for himself and his wife? Either way, he had the shirt on, and everyone really liked it, so now they print them, and when he comes for treatment, it's a way from them to share Scripture and God with the patients! That's AWESOME!

Even more AWESOME, is that the sisters use that same verse from a different version of the Bible, reading:
2 Tim 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but rather of power and love and self-control." Sr. Patricia just used it in her talk in the college on Thursday!! :) YES!! I love when we have things in common!!

So...no fear. I found out when I was visiting my uncle, who has been living out the line from Scripture, that my uncle is now CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks be to God for that!!!!!!! I am just so grateful that he's gotten the treatment and the quality care that he has needed along the way! He still has a little longer to be at the center, but I HOPE that he's not there the next time that I go to Philadelphia!

I LOVED seeing him, and it was so great to visit with them! Me from Wisonsin, and them from Virginia, our family gatherings have always been too few and far between! I pray that my uncle is still doing well, and in thanksgiving both for a great visit and the success of his treatment!!

A week on Long Island!

I was so lucky to have the opportunity to be a part of the Extended Council Meeting that our Province hosted here in NY. It was really special to be in the presence of members of the Cabrinian family from ALL over the world....different languages, different cultures, but the same mission!

I heard the quote via James Martin, that a "Sad nun is a bad nun..."
If that's true, we're in GOOD SHAPE! After a tiring and exhaustive week at the Extended Council meeting, our sisters rewarded themselves with fun! :) They deserved to reward themselves, and definitely had a good time along the way, laughing and singing together in the halls. BEAUTIFUL! :)



Coming from around the world: Spain, Italy, Nicaragua, Guatemala, Brazil, Agrentina. What a blessing to see a team of sisters gather to plan cross-borders and cross-cultures, to talk about the one thing that they all have in common - Passion, zeal, and commitment to the Cabrinian Mission, to be bearer's of the love of Christ in the World. I was incredibly inspired to see sisters that have worked hard all of their lives come together for prophetic planning for the good of their family, the Institute of the MSCs. There are barely even words to describe the admiration I have for these strong, powerful, dedicated and faith-filled women on a mission!



I am grateful, too, for all that they offer for the future of the Institute and carrying out Mother Cabrini's mission to bear Christ's love to the ends of the earth!

Take nothing for the journey...

Last week Wednesday, the Gospel reading, like the one for today, talks about going out and carrying nothing! I remember being younger, and in young adult discussion groups there being talk of what Jesus really means...in readings like today, he tells us to go and take nothing. In other readings, to sell all you have and take nothing...

"Of course, Jesus doesn't really mean to sell all you have and take nothing" they would say...
"What if He does?" I always thought, "...how beautiful! "

Last Wednesday, in the homily, Fr. Tom said that as long as that Gospel passage were true, there would be religious life. As long as anyone finds it attractive to leave behind all possessions and follow Him, then we don't need to worry about religious life fading away. I like that story.

Vince Lombardi vs. Mother Cabrini

I'm pretty sure it would be a close match! I mean, come on, their quotes are even comparable! :)



Last night, Laura and I had the pleasure of going with Sr. Mary Lou to see "Lombardi," the broadway play for event sponsored by the Cabrini Mission Foundation. It was such a blast, and a special treat for Laura and I, both Wisconsin natives! Thank you CMF!!!!

There is an appointed time for everything...

Need I say more?

Again, God just keeps ...being...Himself! :) Before I came to Cabrini I had the experience of meeting a wonderful Messianic Jew from Nicaragua. We met Salsa dancing, and though the relationship got...complicated, I never stopped appreciating it!



Today's reading included the explanation of how there is a time for everything. I will also include this reading, as it's so important to remember just how balanced life is! In all of it's complicated simplicity that reading is SO TRUE! When I was getting to know Bernardo, I almost resisted it! He ALWAYS brought it up! What do you mean a time for love and a time for war? A time to love AND a time to hate? Yes.

I am finding now....more and more, just how important it is to have an awareness of this truth. It really brings a peace in accepting that life calls us to different responses at different times. We cannot keep EVERYTHING, that is why we need to cast away. That can pertain to junk (haha in my house everyone had a dresser drawer that was their "junk drawer"...looking back, it's kind of ironic that we didn't label other drawers that too!), it can pertain to ideal and expecatations, ....sometimes even relationships. Because it is our job to come up with the best response possible as life comes head on, we are called to do that prayerfully and with and openness to learning and wisdom. It is my prayer for all of us, including myself, that we be mindful of that!

Yay God for the inspiration of such a useful way to understand balance and trust! AND I mean...look there's even a time to DANCE!!! I think that I'm going to have a little less resistance to this part of Scripture!!! ;) Enjoy!

Eccl 3:1-11
There is an appointed time for everything,
and a time for every thing under the heavens.
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to tear down, and a time to build.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them;
a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away.
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.

Come: At table with Cabrini!

On Tuesday night, we at Columbus shared in a truly Cabrinian time at table and prayer. WIth sisters in the city from all over the world, we were 12 together at table. Seven of us from Columbus, Yolanda from Nicaragua, and Lúcia, Noberta, Gloria and Mary Angela from Brasil. The prayer I chose for the evening was from Sacred Space and it truly was a 'sacred space'!

Diane had the great idea of using the Sacred Space in Portuguese so that the Brasilians would be able to read along too! It was so beautiful to have the exchange of both languages, and thanks to Yolanda we had all that we needed translated!

After the beautiful reading from Ephesians, which I'll include so you get the idea, too, I passed around a bowl. In the bowl were some of the most powerful words that were in that part of Scripture (call, unity, faith, hope, love, Spirit, gift, etc.). The papers had the word in English and Portuguese, and the direction was simply to take the word and sit with it. Maybe it was the word that we each needed to hear, maybe there was something else from Sacred Space that stood out....it was quiet.

When the sharing began, Mary Angela, a member of the laity from Brasil shared her word and a beautiful expression of having your what we do should come from the head, then go the heart, THEN go out in action. The sharing continued, thankfully not in order so that no one felt pressured to share! By the end, everyone had decided to share their word!

Diane shared her word, "Come." She laughed! At first she saw it as the word 'come' in Spanish, which means to eat. But the word in English, 'come.' is the idea of us all gatheirng together. We were 12 at table. We shared a meal of physical nourishment, but more importantly shared in Eucharist in the way that we were all able to share our faith's, despite language barriers. HOW BEAUTIFUL! It was really quite emotional for me to be in the presence of 11 strong women, both religious and laity, myself included. It was touching to hear everyone's perspective, most via their word, on what the Gospel says our mission is as part of the Cabrinian and greater Christian community. It was beautiful to hear what people from other countries had to say and how relevant their ideas were even though they are from other places of the world. The part that we really awesome for me was to watch my sisters, the one with whom I live in community share their own spirit-filled reflections on their words from the Gospel. Pretty cool, huh?

I just keep finding that no matter how God-given the experiences here are, ...they never run out! He just keeps giving us more opportunities to experience Him in all that we do - in our prayer, our community time together and in each of our ministries!

(Ephesians 4:1-7, 11-13) I therefore, the prisoner in the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, making every effort to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to the one hope of your calling, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is above all and through all and in all. But each of us was given grace according to the measure of Christ's gift. The gifts he gave were that some would be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until all of us come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to maturity, to the measure of the full stature of Christ.

Yo No Sé Mañana...

No sé de hoy, ni de este momento! ¿ Quien sabe? Haha...Everytime I've turned the radio on in the last 3-4 days, the song "Yo no sé mañana," has been playing! And I was like, that's so true; I don't know about tomorrow, heck, I don't even know about today...or right now! That's where trust comes in!

All I can do is try! I came back to NY, and my first feelings were of utter relief. My summer was very special and much-needed, but the feeling of coming back to Columbus was just as great as all of the time spent away! I had been so long without the sisters!! I came back during prayer, and as soon as it was OVER, I ran into the chapel!! They are so wonderful!!! Angie, Archangel, Diane, Toni, Mary Lou, the WHOLE gang!! AND the new missioners - it was so great to finally see all of their faces! Skype is a good way to keep in contact, but a hard way to meet!

We quickly all got to spend time together, as the spider bite ensued. Everyone had a hand in both the attempted diagnosis and treatment of that thing on my arm! The missioners definitely had an interest! Sr. Toni, bless her, took time to take me to the ER to finally get the abscess drained! It's hanging in there! The good news is that I still have my arm, and the volcano is missing!

We also went on a boat cruise together! Though the event itself was questionable, I had a great time spending the ride with these three lovely ladies!!



Who knows what the rest of the year has in store? I'm just excited to see what's next!! I just pray that I stay open to the graces that come through the joy and challenge of this new yet familiar experience!

Summer Away...Part III

HOME! (August 19-31)

Coming home was a time of closure for me. Not that I won’t be returning, but it was a time for me to see people that are important to me and share that with them. It was a time for me to discuss where I am in my life and to express that though I might not always be around, it doesn’t reflect just how grateful I am to have them in my life. It was a time to go home, and the graces given were, wisdom, joy, peace, and MORE LOVE!! :)

From home home to my Green Bay home, to Jules in Madison, to Scott in IL, to Sr. Bridget at the retreat house…so many people, so many wonderful experiences and conversations!

The first weekend I was at home my parish had their annual Family Festival. It was a great opportunity to walk the grounds and catch up with many people that have had a hand in my growing up! I also got to go dancing!! Before dancing, though, I was luck enough to have a LONG-OVERDUE visit with Dan…who knows, at least now, I hope just how pivotal a role he’s played in my life without knowing! TOO MUCH TIME WITHOUT SALSA!! My health and mental well-being got re-started!! The people at the Wherehouse are SO GOOD to me! They are just too beautiful and so genuine! Got to have dinner and an evening with Jess (even though we didn’t go to Chicago for the show I was invited to ;)…dinner with Joan, coffee with Sr. Patty…the list goes on. AND OF course, with Mary O!!! :) My youth minister from HS whose come a long ever step of this long journey in a short time! One of the days my brother and sister and law came over with my nieces and nephew…one thing that I can never forget is how everyone is getting so grown up and I’m missing it ALL!!!



In Green Bay I got to spend time with the family that I babysat for when I was in college! They were my family for 3 years and continue to be very special people in my life! I also got to see Carla, Crystal’s aunt that was a great contact to have up there! I also spent the night with Andrea’s sister and kid’s who have an exchange student for the next year! They put up more than anyone with my stories of the summer! I went to St. Norbert where I was able to visit the director and a member of the Norbertine Volunteer Community! I also got to spend time with my old (former ;) campus minister, and the director of community service and development. I also got to see one on my professors!! I hope to have another opportunity to go back!



In Madison, I got to see a little bit of the world Julie’s created in the last year, which didn’t exclude time for some fun and dancing! Great to see her, as she returned from the DR after I did. It was during this time when I got the infamous bite that …

well, most of you know, but here’s part of what the process was!! This, is in no way, a reflection of the visit!! :) I had a wonderful time!

My trip to IL was nothing short of grace-filled! A quick one-hour with Sr. Bridget at the retreat house in DesPlaines was a God-given hour, for sure! Afterwards I headed to see Scott! Scott, since college has been one of the most special friends that I have…that’s put up with me! It was nice to share my experience of the summer…especially Julio, with him. Julio, though a TOTAL SITUATION, was a big part of my discernment over the summer. I got to catch up and hear about his life, which he always seems to be better at than I am!! …I talked…mostly the whole time… :( dang. Why am I so lucky to have such beautiful people in my life? I also got to spend time with his family. Between Scott, his mom, and his sisters, I have just about the best group of supporters a girl could ever ask for. Again, what did I do to deserve such good and Spirit-led individuals?!

Oh, and one of my baby sisters is in college now. Can we talk about that? She was the one that got the crash course on diaper changing! Forget about babysitting class! She was 2 and I was 8! A mature 8 lol It was again, such a beautiful experience to see what was only the beginning of her transition to college life! I am so excited for her and thrilled to see her becoming more who God made her to be!! Go, Sarah ;)

My experience ended up and home, one more night of dancing and Jim, one of my favorites even took time before I left for NY to teach my sister, Rebecca (like that?) to salsa for a quinceañera! Can one person really be so fortunate?! Going home is just another reminder in life of how much God is present everywhere and always. That brief trip in many ways served as a life review at age 24, and I jgust keep thinking, “God, really? Yes, really.

Thanks for listening…or reading!

Summer Away...Part II

The DR (August 6-August 19)
The DR was NOTHING less than what I expected! If anything, the people were more welcoming, more loving, and more faith-filled. I stayed a night in Santo Domingo with a friend from Elias Piña before heading out there the next day on a bus.

We arrived the next evening in Comendador, a town in that province at about 7pm. I RAN down the cobblestones to Miguelina’s house to drop of my bags at their house in one of the closer neighborhoods outside of the center of the town, and I ran into town to find Julie! She left WI ahead of me to have more time in the DR, so I met her there! It was so great to see her after a few months!

Looking back, there is something really surreal about that time in Elias Piña. After the dramatic month-long experience in Ecuador, the week and a half (after travel), FLEW by. The daily routine, if there were one, involved me sleeping while Julie went for a run. We would have breakfast together, and often separate. Julie has a lot of personal friends in from the month she spent there last year.



I spent most of my time getting the insight and wisdom of Miguelina. We met Miguelina, when we went in 2008, as the morning worker at the bakery. In the last days that we were there, Miguelina offered us some of the most heartwarming hospitality. That standard she set has since gone unchanged. She welcomed both Julie and me into her house with open arms as a mother. Treated as daughters and sisters by Miguelina’s husband and sons, we felt right at home!



I had the opportunity to fall in love with their neighbors that Julie met last summer. The children are so affectionate and loving. The adolescents of the parish, eager to include us in going to mass, spending time at one another’s homes, and of course – dancing! I wish that I could explain the purity of being in a place where the value of relationship with God and others is lived out everywhere! The graces were unlimited and offered all day!

It’s funny the way that I don’t have a lot to say….it’s like when you talk about your home versus a new place that you’ve never been before. Elias Piña is just….home. I had many pictures to share of time in the campo, playing uno with the kids, having a feast day celebration at our home for the Blessed Virgin. Unfortunately, my pictures were deleted, but there are some that was able to get before leaving!

One there are two more important people that I didn’t mention yet! Lizbeth is my little friend…which is only partly true because she’s getting so old! I cried leaving in 2008 after knowing her for all of 10 DAYS! Her houses is one that I could just find returning because I follow my heart. She is such a special girl! Her biggest upset is always that I haven’t come to stay at her house!

Lizbeth 2008!


Lizbeth 2009!


Lizbeth 2010!


The last but NOT LEAST – Elvira!
2008...


2010!



She has been most like my mother ever since I met her. She has the incredible rough exterior, with reason, but once you express a mutual care, she is so tender and caring. She always wanted me to come to her house, meet her children, etc. I spent more time there this visit than I ever had, and had plenty of time to spend with my girl Carolina (her granddaughter)! When I went to Comendador the first time, I literally wanted to bring her home with me. TOO CUTE. Ahora esa mujer no es facil! She is one of the most difficult little girls have ever known…quite the attitude, but my love for her…greater than ever. In this visit, she told me, “Te quiero.” AWWWW I love her too! And she would yell for me, “Tia María.” What an honor to be called Aunt Mary by beautiful Dominican child!!

Carola 2008…


Carola 2010!


She was probably one of the hardest people to leave, the family, nearly impossible. I’m like crying as I type this. Is it possible to feel so much a part of a family, whose acquaintance has grown to love in only a few weeks combined!? These people are my family.

The blessing of being in the Dominican Republic did end at being welcomed again to Comendador, but had the finale in Santiago. A couple days before I left, I took a bus from Santo Domingo to Santiago to visit my sponsor child, María. She is so beautiful, and the spitting image of my personality at age 11. She is so shy, which I can appreciate probably more than any other adult. I understood every action, every ‘verguenza.’ On top of us both being introverted and her shyness, we had two of the program’s staff, as well as the taxi driver and all of her family watch our interaction… I don’t blame her for being embarrassed!

In April when I started to sponsor María, I had already booked a ticket to go to the DR, so the visit came on the very early side of the sponsorship. She and I hadn’t even had letters exchanged before she knew that I was going to her house! Though the visit was a little premature, it was so beautiful. I got so see mi hayjada! Seeing her and meeting her family gave me a lot of peace around the sponsorship. The visit, of course, is very ‘monitored,’ so I need to trust that she’s really getting all that she needs.

I think that the visit was good for two other reasons, the first is that they had a chance to see who I am instead of what I am, a sponsor. She learned that I am a young adult and a missionary! I know that they tend to thing of sponsors as having a lot of ‘extra’…so it also gave me peace for her to know that I am really giving her all that I can…She also learned that I was just like her when I was young ;) I told her I NEVER talked, so I just kept assuring her that I didn’t expect her to be talking a lot!

The other grace was that they know how near and dear their country is to my heart. That I don’t see my life in the US as better than theirs, in fact, that desire their lifestyle! It was a good perspective for them to see and value their own culture a little more, knowing how desirable it is!

The conversation…was a little forced. Ten people in a room that don’t know each other, a recipe for awkwardness, no? Haha, maybe just for me, but either way, I brought UNO! Thanks to Julie for the idea, I was able to take time to teach María and her family how to play! Before the game was done, a staff person was playing, a few members of María’s family, María, even the taxi driver, and all of the neighbors were looking in to see how to play! It was fun!! By the end, I could feel and see in Marías eyes, which are GORGEOUS, that she was a little more comfortable, and I started to see that smile coming out that made me fall in love with her from the beginning! When I had to leave, I made eye contact with her, and it was as if we had a quick little conversation…

Thanks you for coming.
Thank you for having me.
I’m really glad that you were able to come.
I’m sorry that it was so short, but KNOW that I care about you and pray for you!

There was a warmth, love and appreciation on both sides and I left, so grateful to have had the chance to meet her. She knew that I wouldn’t know when I’d ever be able to afford to come back, but that it was special that I was able to come at all. So many sponsors, even with money, never have a chance or take the time to visit their children. God was so present in the sponsorship and visit! Thanks be to God for that! I hope that there is some way to show just how beautiful this 11-year old is!

Leaving only the Dominican Republic, Stop #2, was hard...it always is, but there's a sense of peace I have in knowing that as lost as "Dios quiere." There will be a time when I will see them again!

Summer Away...

So...it's September, and this is when I said that my post frequency would be improving! As promised, a post! :)

I'm going to try as best as possible to sum up in a single day, all that was the grace of a summer of traveling!



ECUADOR (July 8-August 5...or 6th)
As most of you know, this summer was to be one of closure for many reasons. I was traveling around because, well, I'd always said I'd return to these countries, but MORE because after a year of not having income, I was left to wonder when returning might ever be possible. My trip back to Ecuador, where I had studied abroad in the Spring of 2007, was planned to last for a month. It was to spend time with friends and people I had met in Quito, and to take time away from the city, alone, to pray and reflect more about religious life (infamously named, "mi semana de soledad," or my week of solitude).

Arriving to Ecuador, I became aware of many things. I didn't want to come with expectations....but that's kind of hard! I found Quito....not quite as I remembered, or as I had left it! This was a little hard at first, but nostalgia wanted some things to be the same. It was GREAT because I was able to let go of Ecuador 2007, experience Ecuador 2010, and get some closure (I've had, since I left, the desire and kind of infatuation with all that Ecuador was for me). I was blessed to have a friend, Cesar, who was one of my closest Ecuadorian friends, pick me up from the airport. It was so INCREDIBLE to see him again! I had hoped also to return with my friend Jess from NC that I was close to there, but she couldn't come! :( Returning alone to Ecuador, I was so grateful to have Cesar's friendship and a place to call home! :) He graciously accepted me into his home and though he was very busy with work, let me complicate their lives a bit by driving in and out of the city with them every day. Thank you!!

Cesar drove his car into Quito to leave it at his mom's...which was a HUGE blessing because being with her was such a GRACE. I got to spend time with her, getting to know her story and sharing some of mine. At the same time, I FINALLY understood more about how latina mamas are! When I went back to Ecuador, I was so nervous about meeting with my host family, but I finally did because I appreciated them so much more after being more open to understanding latin family life! In the last 3 years I'd been gone, all of my siblings (then 25, 30 and 32) got married! And my mom, Maya, is already una abuela! :) Her granddaughter Sofia is so beautiful!

Soo.... the "semana de soledad."

I took a 10-hour bus ride through the night to a fishing town where I had gone with my friend Jess during Carnaval 2007. During that holiday time, there were NO PEOPLE, so I knew that if nothing else, I really would be ALONE!! When I got on the bus, the woman that sat next to me with her baby granddaughter exhaled a sigh of relief, and in Spanish, said - "Thank God, I'm sitting next to a woman!" I was thinking the same thing! For one, neither of us needed to sit for 10 hours next to a strange man, but more, she had a baby and didn't want her to be sitting next to a strange man! So...they were heading back to the coast where they were from, and where the mother was....AND....I LOOKED LIKE mom! Talk about graces for discernment! We were on the bus at 8:15pm and until 4:30am when they got off, the baby reached for me all night! With the most sincere look in her eyes, as if to say, "Mom, I'm hungry" or "Mom, I'm tired; hold me." ....So I fed her...and put her back to sleep, each time handing her back to the grandmother, only until the next time she'd want me! What a blessing....and how beautiful to experience that as a person discerning a path that wouldn't include me having children of my own. I will not to give up nurturing, but give up the experience of having a child look at me in that way...and as it happened,...I just felt peace. Peace and freedom....a letting go...

When I got to the fishing town, I had planned only to go to the beach, go to mass, and to spend time in reflection with the book, Vocations Anonymous.....and of course, to be open to anything that God wanted to see and/or experience! The mistake I made was sharing with EVERYONE that I met in this TINY little town, that I was there to reflect more, alone, on entering religious life (you'll see why). The first day that I was there, the only goal I had was to write my mission story that was supposed to be done at debriefing in June. I didn't write it, I discovered, because I was afraid to let go of last year. My Cabrini Mission Corps experience of ‘09-‘10 was easily one of the best years of my entire life per the relationships, the growth, the understanding, EVERYTHING....we were ALL putting off writing this gosh darn thing, because why would anyone want that to be over?

The problem: it was keeping all of us from moving forward to what lie ahead!

So I got together all of the energy I could through reflections from St. Vincent Palloti Center on ending the year, the readings calling me to be 'new' and the homily fit right along with it! I came home from this mass that, I found, was to take place daily at 7:30pm everyday. My only goal for the night was to write my mission story and I DID!!! :) SO GOOD....so the next day I wrote to Crys, Mish and Gina explaining why I'd been putting of my mission story...wrote them each a letter, and by the end of the day went back to my room with the peace of knowing that I FINALLY made a choice to move forward! :)

Hang tight.
The next day I went to breakfast and, rounding the corner, I found myself accompanied on this walk! "Eres de aqui, de Puerto Lopez?" Um, no, I'm not from here...I came here from Quito (orig. from the US) for 'una semana de solded.' Names were exchanged (his is Julio), but I told him that I wanted to spend some intentional time away from everyone with the idea of religious life. "En serio? Cuantos anos tienes?" 24...too young, perhaps he was thinking.... The same age (he's actually 6 days younger!)...we walked for a minute or two and he left me to go about my business. After a delicious cup of American coffee, I was headed to the beach (don’t get too excited, it was cool and cloudy!) for the rest of the day!

Bueno. I sat down and jotted down some feelings...where I was in the process of discernment, how I felt about being a sister, how I felt I was being open to what God was asking of me...



I began to read the book and stayed the whole afternoon reading the first few chapters and making notes of how it related to my own discernment process, but…it started to seem a little…fruitless. According to the book I was a flaming case of a religious vocation! It was very confirming of where I have come in the process of discerning religious life, but it left me feeling…like “now what?” Okay. So I’m going to be a sister :)

That night I was walking down the street that I was staying, looking at the few shops that there were, and of course, that put me right back where Julio was! I avoided him in EVERY way possible, until…he asked me to go dancing! That is the one weak spot I have …and being very deprived over the last 8 months, I conceded.

In my journal I would describe that evening as a problem for my “semana de soledad.” Rather than a week of “soledad” it would be come a “semana de comapnía.” And even though I wasn’t planning on a week of company, more than reading about book about religious life, it turned out to be exactly what I needed for my discernment.

I am going to try, in as brief a way as possible (ask anyone who’s gotten the full-length version!) to describe what this relationship was and how it affected my process of discerning, but also understanding life just a little bit more.

Julio and I were to begin what became, quickly, a melodramatic romance…I know that I have seen one too many films that portray this very same type of interaction!

I had tried at least once to convince him to leave me alone…for his sake. After a few days however, I had begun to discover that it would be not only for his sake, but mine, too, that this relationship stop. The night that I told him that I wanted to go home and not see him any more. It was the most honest, and probably harsh, that I have ever been with a man. I told him that I did not like the way that he had been treating me. In general, I had been having a good time, but it wasn’t worth the way that he would talk down to me, or pout, play games, etc. I said that for days I had been around him knowing how he was, so that was okay. BUT I said that I felt very bad for any other girl that he would date not ‘knowing’ how he is. That is TOO typical a situation-a girl not to know the dignity that she deserves and thus not commanding it.

He looked and me the entire time I gave my shpeel about dignity and how people should be treated. I have never seen eyes open so wide, and…well, oops, he started to cry a little…

After realizing just how much I had been putting up with, he asked me to sit down, and Julio and I shared what was to be our first very honest and sincere conversation. This would also be the point where I actually start to like him. YIKES! I stayed for 3 more days adding another day or two to my week of “solitude.” Being there, with him, was something I needed, but also very difficult. I was alone, emotions were high, and the environment had a lot of pressure and acceleration with the knowledge that I would only be in Ecuador for a short time.

My “retreat” was not guided by a director, but it was thankfully guided by the readings for each day. I literally THANK GOD for the timelessness of his words, and the way that they spoke to me that week (through scripture itself, the people I met, the experiences I was having). I was intentional about spending time everyday with his Word before going to mass (in Spanish and English!). The priest of the parish at Puerto Lopez was very supportive and protective of me during that time. He knew that I was being challenged, and he offered, daily, his prayers that I would be guided in the right direction. The families of the church even started to invite me to their homes and accepted me as part of the community!



The day before I left Julio tried to convince me to stay longer. He suggested that I call my mom, because …moms just know! So I called my mom, knowing that she was a logical person, and that she would give me the advice I needed to hear. “Go back. You are alone. You need time away to process all that’s going on.” Thanks, Mom!

So I was headed back to Quito…but after I bought my bus ticket, I was getting sick. I didn’t really want to go. After that talk that Julio and I had, things were quite different, and I was actually falling for this guy. I know, ME! As I boarded the bus to head back to Quito, I was devastated. I did not want to go. I did have other things I could do, but nothing that I had to do. I cried myself to sleep on the bus…

Arriving at 7:30am, I headed out to Calderon to César’s house and got there at 9am. I won’t go into detail, but when I got back, I just kind of felt …alone. Why did I leave Julio to come back in the first place?

I called my mom.

I told her that I wanted to go back…after a heightened emotional conversation and my mother wondering if I should really go back, my response was “Isn’t it just enough that I get to have the experience of feeling this way?” Fine. “But you have to go to the Dominican Republic." Deal.

That night, I was back on a bus through the night to Puerto Lopez! I showed up at 4:30 in the morning! I waited until about 5:20, sitting out Julio’s store journaling. I sent him a text, just to see if there was a chance he was still awake. He answered immediately! He wasn’t sleeping…we talked for a while and went to breakfast together. Everything was wonderful for…a couple hours! At breakfast the sun started to come out for the THIRD day on the equator (it was the rainy season). I was EXCITED!!! I’m going to the beach! “No you’re not.” Oh, really?! Pretty sure that I am.

We fought about that…I know!

“Fine, go read your nun book!” I packed a towel and my journal. I wasn’t going to read, I was going to enjoy the gift of sunshine and to PROCESS the guy! WHY DID I COME BACK?! I wrote a letter to him telling him what my intention was in coming back. I explained, that though it was difficult for him, that I am a person that thinks a lot. And he was talking WAY too much about the future. I told him that if he was looking for someone to be that committed after a week to find another one! But on a more serious note I said that I came back to be in that space with him, unknowing…to be open to the graces that God was presenting for both of us, and I invited him to join that space. When I returned to give him the note, I proudly handed it to him. I was sure that he would understand, maybe apologize, and…well, he got angry!

I KNOW! He started venting about how something was wrong with my forma de pensar…the way I think…”You only think about the nuns! Just go to your nuns! I can’t marry someone like you, wondering every day if you’ll still be around (alluding to disponibilitá).” …he was exaggerating, but it was better that he realize that this wasn’t ‘meant to be’!!!!

“You’re right, can a rewrite your letter?!” He handed the letter to me, and I was so grateful to him. It is the way that I think! :) Thank God ;) It’s not because sisters wouldn’t be good mothers or wives. It's because they can’t get the idea of religious life out of their head because that’s what they were made for! I thanked him for helping me to better understand and said that I have never had the experience of being attracted to someone in that way. How special it was that he gave me the opportunity to discern religious life with the idea of being with someone in that way! I did tell him, though, how much I still hoped and had faith in him finding the right girl… He got MORE ANGRY.

“If you want to pretend while you’re here until Sunday, I’ll do that. I’ll act like were dating and walk around with you if that’s what you want, but after you leave, I never want to hear from you. Don’t call, write or email me anything!” Angry, he told me to delete every text message I had ever sent him. I’m sure he was searching for “No, Julio, don’t make me do that!!!” BUT, of course, I deleted them! Then he said to delete every message that he had sent me. Naturally, I complied. Now both of your phone numbers! Done.

At that moment he realized that he had no record of my existence.

That, of course, though what he asked for made him FURIOUS! That would be the first of a couple more times that I would not really feel safe around him.

I do not know how I left that situation, nor do I know how things turned, yet again, but that afternoon, it was like it never happened…

That was all in the first few hours after returning! I’m sure you can imagine what the next five days would be like! I know this is getting long! SORRY! This is the short version! HA!

The last night/morning that I was in Puerto Lopez, would be the WORST of the WORST! And as HORRIBLE as it was to be around him, that afternoon right before I left would be the BEST of the BEST. That afternoon was indicative of what the whole experience was – a lot of really high highs but too many low lows. Either way, we ended on a good note…I was sad to go, more emotional than the first time…which is surprising because I had my period the first time! (TMI, I know!)



Returning to Quito was hard for two reasons. I had two days and too many things to do in a very short time. The other reason was that Julio would not stop calling me! In addition to being mean and controlling…I left out the part about him being jealous and distrusting! He didn’t trust me to be with any friend from school …it was unfortunate!

But even though he was sending me mean messages, I still had a wonderful time with Alejandro a friend from my jazz class. He and I had a very intriguing conversation about life, religion, maturity, really great and grace-filled :)

I had the blessing of seeing my host family from 2007. My three siblings had all gotten married in the last three years, and one of my sisters had a year-old baby! For the first and only time, I was able to CONVERSE with my family! Believe it or not, my Spanish was significantly better than when I studied there! We talked about life, learning, religious life. It was so special and such a God gift!



I got to spend some last minute time with Susy and César and the gang, but everything see so rushed as I was preparing to leave :( The night I was packing to leave I had my last conversation with Crys before her departure to the Philippines on the phone…I ran out of money on my phone, so I couldn’t even call Julio!

That morning, I went with my bags to Susy’s, and only 15min before I would have called a cab, Julio sent me a text. “¿Puedes venir acá?” Well…he knew I didn’t have money, so why would he asked me “Can you come here” if he knew I couldn’t answer!? A minute later he called me and said, “Don’t be silly, I’m in the airport!” Ahhh!

Called a cab, grabbed my bags and headed to the airport! I got there when I really should have checked in but stayed to talk to him for a bit...



the fact that I stayed at all to talk to him meant that I was missing my flight…I didn’t know that, though. I went through the doors, and he left. When I entered to check in, the counters were deserted. One straggler said, “Esta cerrado.” How could it be closed!? You all just leave and nothing happens!? At that moment, all I could hear was my mom saying, “What ever you do, you have to go to the Dominican Republic.” OH MY. I was going to have to tell my mom that because of this guy, I missed a flight from Quito, Ecuador to Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic.

They told me to pick up the service phone and press “0” to get help. I did that. Nothing happened. They told me to go to the AA office…I waited an hour as my flight boarded and I heard my name being called…I was missing an expensive flight…

They said that they could not help me and sent me to their offices in the city to try to rebook...there were no available flights out of Quito for weeks! What should I DO?! I had already given my cell phone back to Cesar, and the ONLY phone number I knew by heart was Julio’s! So I called him and he came back to help me!

A few hours and $450 later, I had a ticked to the DR from Guayaquil, the largest city in Ecuador about 7 hours away in a bus….that city, my friends, is where Julio is from. That is where he came from, through the night, to meet me before my flight. He and I took the 7, turned 10-hour, bus ride to Guayaquil to catch my flight the next day.

We had one more day together! Great!! Just a little more time. BUT rather than enjoying it….I had never wanted to be further away! In a high stress situation, involving a lot of money that I DON’T have for careless decisions, the time proved to be anything but wonderful. He treated me in all of the ways that I asked him not to. And when it came time to leave in the morning he took me to the airport. “Me quieres más o menos?” Knowing that I DO NOT lie, he thought it would be a good idea to see if I liked him more or less at this point. I was honest. “Menos.”

I went through security, anxious to be sure that I didn’t miss another flight. I was headed to the DR a day late, which only (a big deal with a lot of embarrassment) meant that I had to change the visit with my sponsor child to the end of my trip. On the plane I tried to review and process Ecuador, specifically Julio, so as to be the best I could for the wonderful people in the DR. I started to get so excited to go and as everything got more and more familiar, including the faces to pick me up at the airport. I couldn’t help but be incredibly thankful to God for ALL that he has done and continues to do in my life.

Jesús, Pan de Vida

Today was quite the adventure, and started off scarier than I´d like, being in Ecuador again, but it ended very well :)

Today I went at 7am to a church near Cesar’s mom's house. A woman praying there by Mary told me that they do not have daily mass, only the weekends, so I started to walk back on Av. Americas (this is a busy road!). Two men passed me, and I didn't really think anything of it...they looked, maybe like 20ish, so I was like, "Kids." ha...

It gets less funny because one of them came back and grabbed me! He was like "El teléfono." I didn't really have time to process, a key necessity for a 5, so I was like "No." He had his hand in my pocket, so I grabbed him, and as he pulled out my phone, I was making a big deal about it...I need that phone, you know? It's like the only thing I have here. So, I was like struggling, I fell to the ground, and he finally pulled it out of my hands as I yelled at him, "Es el único que tengo." I was on the ground, he had my phone, but he didn't take it. He threw it down to me and they ran away...

So, I have my phone....and honestly, I don't think it had anything to do with me being American....I think he legitimately thought
A) I was not strong..easy target
B) I'd just let him take it because I'd be scared
No matter what he thought, I was NOT going to let that happen. I know that I should have been more careful...they could have hit me, stabbed me, or worse, but I'm so DANG STUBBORN, and once I thought, "No."...that was my response.

Also, they kind of were young...aunque parecian como de 20 anos, me asustarian mas si fueran mas viejo/fuerte...algo así. Igual, I just wanted to contarles un poquito más! Today I'm in the city again at Cesar's moms...after that, I just wanted to stay here. All I wanted to do was go to mass, dang. Soooo I went to another one close by that was supposed to have mass at 7:30, or so I heard. When I went it was locked, but a woman passing told me that it was at 8 am ...it was 7:20..and I'll didn't want to wait…I was still kind of shaken, but I'll go tomorrow :)

The day progressively got more scary, but then ended well. I went to a little park near Susy’s. I was sitting on a bench; there was finally a little bit of sun. I pulled out my journal to write…and I started to doze off! Two young girls, maybe like 8 and 10 years old came to tell me that there was a man watching me because I did have a purse with me, and I was falling asleep. Their advice for me was to leave, so I did!

I walked over to the Christian bookstore that I had seen earlier, “Jesus, Pan de Vida.” I looked around, and though I have nothing again protestant/evangelical religion, it was very obviously NOT Catholic, so I didn’t find much of anything that completely satisfied me….in the end, I decided to make and astronomical purchase (in Ecuador). For a little button that said, “Yo <3 a Jesús. A worthwhile purchase, I thought. Walked up to the counter, where he showed me more buttons, so I took one more. I do <3 Jesús after all! So he said, “…..” haha I didn’t catch that, so he said it again, this time pointing to the receipts. “Quiere una nota de venta.” Ahora, sí, entiendo! So I told him that I didn’t need one and he asked me why I didn’t tell him before that I was not from Ecuador….haha, because the point is that I am supposed to know Spanish!

So we talked for a while. He was actually born in Newark, NJ and when he was 4 years old, his parents moved back to Ecuador. He and I had a great conversation about how God has been working in our lives, and of course…’vocation.’ He in turn, invited me to church with him. We’ll see what happens, come Saturday!

Also, speaking of "pan de vida," HOW TRUE IS THAT! I was talking to Julie about how odd it is that my favorite "thing," besides people of course, is bread! How symbolic, no?...that places, where perhaps my languange and culture issues may have discrouraged the ways that I was able to express faith, that there was still always a focus on pan...I´d like to hope pan de vida!

Happy Tuesday! :)

Para que sepan..

Just a status update on location! I know that blog posts were....lacking in June, but unfortunately, that won´t get better probably until September! :(

On Thursday, I left to come to Ecuador, where I studied abroad in 2007. I will be here for a month, with the intent of just "being" for a while. This should include about 100 horas de soledad (cien años, no!). I will be leaving for about a week, to retreat, away from Quito where I will be the majority of the time. It will be interesting how the time unfolds, because I have never had so much "time" on my hands! Time to be in the city, time to be with people, old and new...time to pray, time to discern... Your prayers would be GREATLY APPRECIATED!

After the Ecuador, I am returning to DR for two weeks (meeting Julie), to visit the community of people near the boarder of Haiti, where I went for short-term mission in 2008. I am also hoping to get a chance to visit the child that I have been sponsoring in Santiago.

After that I´ll spend the last week and a half in WI. I´m sure that time will be hectic, but wonderful. I am really excited to go home after being abroad for a month and a half! I will hopefully get to see some faces that I didn´t get to see on my shorter trips home in the last year.

AUGUST 31! I can be expected in NYC!! Ha, did I ever think I´d be going back?!?!? Ahhhh, no...but I am so excited for Round 2. I am anxious to see all (and to be intentional about seeing) all that God has in store for me for the rest of 2010 and beyond!!!!!!

A Clean Heart is a Free Heart

This phrase is taken from a quote of Mother Teresa, I believe. We can also look to Psalm 51:10 for thoughts on seeking to have created within us a new heart, washed clean.

I have been 'meaning' to share ANYTHING about where I have been in the last month, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Processed over and over again through closing out this year, debriefing, and talking about the future, it is evident of the 'cleansing' and freedom that has come from this year!

Truth be told, I do feel overstimulated, busy, and slightly anxious about all that will go on in the next week or so before I go to Ecuador. Amidst all of this has come so much good. There have been so many great conversations over, coffee, dinner, an elevator ride, an eye exam, etc. All pointing me to the understanding and appreciation for the work of cleansing, and the experience of freedom.

Thematically, this is to-be-continued. I presume that when I am in Ecuador I will have a little more time to process this month, and the experiences to come! Stay tuned...many apologies for late postings...have no fear, la vida misionera is not over!

It's 3:15am

Yes, yes it is. It is 3:15 am...presuming that I can get back to this when my body is less sleepy, stay tuned for info on: status update and appreciation of community.

Hopes for all to have a blessed Thursday! :)

La vida misionera...

It's easier to leave than to be left behind.
Before I came here, what I had experienced in highlights of missionary life was that it was always harder than other people than on me. My favorite, or most fitting salsa song is called, "Me tengo que ir" (or la persona ideal), "I have to go." It has become customary that I leave. It's the preface for all of my relationships. One of the beautiful things has been the opportunity to develop relationships despite this 'condition.' I have been blessed either by people that will accept it and love me anyways, or by people that have that same missionary spirit and the understanding of the "leaving" condition. I am so grateful, so incredibly blessed.

What if I am the one left behind?
Circumstances have changed a bit since the year began. In the early phases of 'la vida misionera,' I was certain that I would not be in the US any longer than I had to be. While that may be true...the amount of time that I 'have to' be here has changed. I am so excited to stay in New York and continue discerning religious life! ...the problem comes when we begin to look at the rest of the puzzle.

side note...
If you ever seen Raising Helen, Kate plays Helen, a carefree professional, who, upon the death of her sister is entrusted with the care of her 3 children. Her eldest sister didn't think that she was fit to fill this role, as she had spent her childhood raising Helen and the other sister. She herself married young and had children of her own. The sister's perception of Helen's incapacity to raise children stemmed from a long-time bitterness around not having a childhood of her own. In a heated argument, she described what it was like caring for her siblings, and called Helen, "Tra-la-la Helen."



In many ways, I have always been "Tra-la-la Mary." Going where I please, following the Spirit and my heart. Until now, it's meant that I leave people behind. This is the first time that same thing means being left behind. I am being 'left behind.' By two of the most AMAZING young people that I have ever known. For the last nine months, I have had, in a community of 3 missioners + 5 sisters, all of my needs in communal prayer, socialization and ministry met. But they are leaving. Not the sisters, but my comrades...The other two points of my triangle (the 'gut' and the 'heart' personality to go with my 'head'). Ha, life is so dang beautiful, but not easy.

Michelle, my belle, is going to Villanova to rock their theology department working in Mission and Ministry and obtaining her graduate degree. Crys is shipping off to the Philippines for two more years with the mission corps, internationally. That is so wonderful...but that doesn't make the transition easier, does it? I make it a habit not to get attached. That is the second half of the 'leaving preface.' It's funny because after a few days or a week, news of them leaving would have been an upset! They are that INCREDIBLE!



Separation Anxiety.
After 10 months of constant transition in Prayer, Community, and Ministry, we are less than a month away from Crys leaving, a point that keeps sneaking it's way in and ruining our conversation. It was mentioned at the beginning of the year that transition in its entirety takes about a year...so before we've completely settled in, we're going to shake things up again! :(

This is not what I bargained for...or is it? Ha, maybe I'm just upset because of how this all works. This is the life I want, the life I chose. I guess it's not even really justified to complain...it's selfish :( I am really happy for Crys and Michelle. Michelle will at least be close and MegaBus dates have been scheduled for the fall, but Crys is going to be 8,599 miles and +13 hours time difference. I have never been that far removed from anyone I've become close to, and I only got her for 10 months! :( Selfish?....a little bit.

Where is the beauty?
I need to trust it is coming..in God the Father, Son, and Spirit. There has been so much. We have talked for the last 9 months about how bizarre it is that we found each other...I mean, that God put us together. God has just been lavishing mercy, grace, peace and joy. But...There is more to this journey than this year. I am sure of that! There is too much of God and the Sprit in this experience for it to only be about a 10-month commitment to the Mission Corps.

This weekend we celebrated the birth of the Church, Pentecost. When I was in mass, the following phrases would not leave my thoughts:
Advocate - the Holy Spirit is the advocate that Jesus sent amidst the absence of his physical self.
Peace - How true it is that we need peace. Reconciliation, calming nerves/anxiety, ....peace in all things!
Change - O how we need to be open to change for the better, to be open to the surprises and the mystery of God working in and through us.
Awaken Us - So often when I'm in discerning conversations around vocation, I am called to "wake up." There is so much to be aware of...often we are waiting for experiences of God that we are already having and just not aware of or willing to recognize and name as 'God.' I would propose, not only for myself, that we try be more willing to admit that God is all over our lives!

Happy Birthday! Ha, my birthday just passed, but with my birthday and the birth of the Church, a lot of wishes have been made...wishes for more peace, more joy, more love, more understanding, more grace, and certainly more openness and disponibilitá! Stay tuned.