Speranza per la vita attraverso la morte

Hope for life through death...



I was one of the last people to have met Sr. Speranza before she went home to Jesus on Friday (2/26/10), something she had been waiting for her whole life. Having been missioned with Cabrini Misison Corps part time at Cabrini Center for Nursing and Rehabilitation, I got to know and love her in a way that I never dreamed possible. When I heard that Speranza and Adelina had been transported to CCNR over the weekend of Martin Luther King, I made a point to go up and meet them. They became my escape, a quick little get away when I needed a break. Speranza and I joked for weeks about how we had come to love each other so quickly. In that short time we had, I was not surprised by how rapidly we developed a connection with one another. Instead, the depth at which she was able to touch my heart surprised me.

In many ways, Speranza has been an incredible blessing. I only hope that my presence meant even a fraction of that to her. When I needed it most, she was my first soundboard after speaking to Sr. Pietrina about discerning religious life. One day when I thought I was not going to see her again, I asked, “Speranza, if you could tell me one thing, what would it be?” At that point she had become very lethargic and did not want to answer. “Speranza! I am 23. If I live as long as you, I have 70 years to go; do you have any advice for me?” “Be a nun,” she replied. “That’s not fair, you’re biased.” We laughed…it was cute, but not really funny. That was her truth.

Eighty years in religious life, and she maximized her contribution here on this earth. She was, and remains, in love with Jesus, and all she wanted was to finally see Him face-to-face. This was evident in the way that lived her life. I do not know what the future has in store for me, but I know that I will be counting on Sr. Speranza D'Ambrosi to be my ‘speranza’ and walk this walk with me until I get to see her again.

Cabrini Missioners on Cabrini College's WYBF "The Burn"

Check it out! :)

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Cabrini missioners Michelle, Crystal and Mary share about their journeys to Cabrini Mission Corps and their experiences serving as missionaries in New York City and living in community with the Missionary Sisters.

What is discernment?

Well, if you don't know, we need to talk...or you can schedule an appointment with Crys or Michelle. I feel like I've mentioned it a lot in my blog, along with disponibilitá :) This weekend we closed the month with a 3-day retreat on Discernment. It very appropriately came at a time where Crystal, Michelle and I have been processing a lot about what is coming next en la vida misionera. Michelle is pretty sure that grad school is the next step. For Crystal, the Philippines has her job description waiting. Mine is yet to be disclosed. Many sleepless nights into the discernment process and many conversations away from the next step (family, Jules, Provincial, girls, sisters)....



pray for me, please! The weekend probably couldn't have gone better! On Wednesday I had a meeting with the volunteers of the food pantry (most of whom do not speak English) that I want to start a literacy class with and they are excited! It will be small, as there are only a few that really cannot read or write in English...or Spanish :( I was so happy to see the look on Maria's face when I mentioned that I wanted to be a resource for the volunteers...

"Verdad?....alfabetización?" "Really, ....literacy?" YES!!!!! Just waiting to meet with my director to work out the logistics, but I am scheduling 1:1 meetings with the prospective participants to assess them! :) I'm going to be a teacher again, hopefully! (I have to be realistic about the nature of their culture). I really hope that they take advantage of me! :)

In the afternoon, I had spiritual direction, and it was good to talk to Luz before going on my discernment retreat. I also was able to share with her about the prayer service on Tuesday for Haiti. It was very lovely :) For the first time since I came back from Haiti in 2003, I truly felt surrounded by people that feel the same way that I do about the beautiful people of that country. It was very emotional and left me at the end with dry eyeballs.



After it ended, I went up to the front and kneeled down, I broke down and cried, "Why did you give that to me!? Why did you give me Haiti?! What do you want!?" ....the beauty of patience in discernment is that I am still not sure yet. There have been some...many things brewing in the what-to-do-next-year pot, and I am just staying open to be led by the Spirit. Hey, it's gotten me this far!

So, I finished with Luz, and headed to Sr. Barbara Leonardo's apt for dinner with the girls. There we partook of a delicious bacon meatloaf! She said that she would have given us the recipe, but she never makes it the same! We were part of her hospitality goal in her theological reflection. Since she just moved into the apt alone (after the fire, MT moved to live with the senior sisters at Sacred Heart), she said that she wanted to host people for meals and prayer. That is what we did, and it was very beautiful! Gotta love Sacred Space daily prayer reflections! :) ....it was so good that WE forgot about the Baskin Robins we put in her freezer (I know! I'm just as surprised that i forgot about ice cream!) AND I had an AMAZING cafecito...I may as well have been in the Dominican Republic...



That night when Heather came home, after having learned well that we are distracting and always engage in deep conversation, she snuck past us to go to bed! :( haha good for her!

The next day, CCNR was interesting! I got to leave though and went to meet Heather at the top of the Empire State Building...my second tourist activity in the city! It was so beautiful, but it was OBNOXIOUSLY cold and windy. People were holding onto the railings. Heather and I didn't even make it all the way around the building before we turned back! It was her last night with us, and for that, it was well worth it to head up to see the sunset! Thank God for that experience of beauty...



I dared to go out a second time, but even my earrings blowing in the wind and hitting my neck hurt! I guess the winds were only like 25mph, but we were high up! Oh, and we got to go for pizza at Késte, where we shared the best Margherita pizza. and after we were contemplating dessert...

Waitor: the dessert is a toasted pizza crust with powdered sugar and a chocolate spread
Heather: you mean Nutella
Waitor: well...yes
Heather: actually it's Hazelnut
Waitor:...yes

either way, we got it and it was amazing! This girl had her picture with it! :)



While we were there, she worked on the Enneagram questions and then we went to Lyric for coffee to determine what personality she is....I will not disclose that information. We LOVE sharing the Enneagram! :) When we came back, Crys and I went salsa dancing, which was SO FUN! The cold kept a lot of people in, so there was plenty of room to dance this time! :)

Friday, since we had a retreat day we went to mass at CCNR and to visit Srs. Adelina and Speranza. After that we packed, said goodbye to Heather, who left to go back to CA :( and got ready to welcome our cars for the New York Faith and Service Coalition (NYFASC) Discernment Retreat. The drive was...well, I slept ;) And the retreat was just what the doctor ordered. Time and rest. The retreat gave us so much space to do just what we needed at this point, time to rest and reflect on where we are in the discernment process. It was awesome to be with members of other groups and to begind tools and quiet time to think about where we've come from, how we're doing in the present and where we are going. On Saturday, there was an afternoon activity time, where I elected the yoga session that Crys and Jordan led. It was intense and wonderful!! :) Great turn out and variety of experience with yoga! :) My first time went....ok...my body still hurts, but I am really glad that I did it because I can appreciate better when the girls go to yoga!

Sunday we came back in time to head to a great mass at St. Francis of Assisi, and then we grabbed a snack on the way home. We headed up to my bed, and when Gina got home, we got to check in with her about the retreat, and she stayed to talk to me a little bit about "what's next." She expressed that Pietrina wants to meet with me and I scheduled that meeting with the provincial for Wednesday, so pray for that! :)

Like Sr. Barbara said last Wed at dinner. I've just been really blessed...my whole life! I am in NYC living a beautiful life with 2 wonderful women (Sr. Diva and Sr. La-a) and 4 religious sisters!!! Hope to tell you more soon!

Whooah, We're Half Way There....

maybe not livin' on a prayer, but living on prayer, itself, rather. This weekend marked the halfway point for the 10 months of mission in New York. It has been and continues to be an experience that is constantly offering and inviting more as it progresses.

Yesterday a previous Swaziland, Africa missioner came into NY to stay with us. The sisters asked me,

"Did you meet Heather yet?"
"Well, no, not yet." (Don't they know that I'm awkward and don't naturally thrive in new social situations?!)
"You should go up."

Um, without a social buffer? Where is MIchelle?! Crys?!

Whatever; I went up :) SO GLAD I DID! She is WONDERFUL! Right away, she invited me in and our conversation began, lasting from about 5:30 until after 10! Some of the first questions that she asked me were "So, what are you doing?" "How do you like the year so far?" Among many other questions, the way that our conversation continued was a perfect example of how life is and God works. She immediately allowed our conversation to go to a place where it was real(I LOVE THAT), so that when she leaves, I can say, "Wow. Thank God (literally) that we met!"

At dinner at the diner, Lyric, with Michelle, she asked, "So are your conversations always this deep?" Well, no, but usually....yes. This is a good thing, I think! I realized that being as close as we are, and how orientation just allowed our relationship to be, we by nature take ALWAYS advantage of being deep when the opportunity presents itself. It doesn't happen often that you meet people and you can just plunge into the depths with from the surface. ...That's what we do ;) That being said, her visit has been (all of a day so far) INCREDIBLE because she just entered right into that with us, sharing in stories and experiences!! In addition, she is HILARIOUS, and we all know how valued joy humor and laughter are in our relationships!

I have tried to describe, in words, this amazing feeling of being blessed by yet another person in my time with Cabrini. This year, by nature of the program has allowed me to be as 'deep' as I want, BUT more importantly as deep as I need to be. That is what I needed this year. When I moved home for the year in 2008 to pay off my loans, I eased in, and by the time I was comfortable, it was time to leave. My time in NY has been exactly the opposite. This time has invited my experiences of grace/blessing and revelations of who I am ( or have been created to be) so abundant that in 5 months I feel as though I have had years of growth and meaning. Thank you!!!

Sunshine, Becoming Who I Am, Bingo, Baptism, Young Adults, and Hot Chocolate ;)

This morning I ...as Crystal thinks I should, ...slept in!! :) I had lunch with Michelle, 2 eogs+ mashed potatoes + sweet potatoes=lunch today!! After I went to gather my belongings to head down to the Lower East Side to see our lovely senior sisters, I went out and thanked God for two things: 1) It was not too, too cold 2) It was so beautiful and sunshiney! THANKS! I was so motivated by that to continue having blessed Sunday.

As I was walking down 3rd Ave, I decided (don't judge me... :( ...) on a cup of hazelnut coffee from Dunkin' ....slowly but surely, he is probably acquiring the larger part of my stipend :( I walked down to 14th St. to get on the M14A bus to head to the convent as I continued to soak up the sun (not the cold) on this oh-so-wonderful day! Got on the bus, and a friendly woman made room for me. I quickly finished my coffee because I was too excited to begin reading, Becoming Who You Are by James Martin, SJ. WOW This book...wow. I was so glad that I started it, and soon I will go up to my room to continue reading it. On Wednesday we are going to a talk by James Martin at St. Ignatius Loyola parish, and I thought, since I had the book, that now would be the most appropriate time to read it!

As a poor reader, I was hesitant, as with many books that I start, I never see the end pages. I'm pretty sure that this will be different. I began even in the early chapters to gain insight into what exactly I'm doing as I am trying to become myself, that is, who I am with God, who He created me to be. I know that there is A LOT to work on, BUT was affirmed in knowing that all of my searching and the feeling of being both lost and found, all come down to that quest of trying to find who I am as my best true self. I related a lot to what the author was saying through his encounters both with Thomas Merton, Henri Nouwen, and the Saints. It was a book that I found particularly readable and exactly what I need right now.

As of late, I have found myself, Atipically interested in people...men, that have really been, quite...uninterested in me. Home and here, I find the answer to be just about the same. "Mary, you're not ready." Well, maybe if I find someone to walk with.."Mary, you're not ready." Well....NO well. It is what it is. I am in the midst of a great journey right now, one that involves growing closer to who God made me to be, and what he has in store for me. Growing away from a false self that I perhaps put on for all of you then, and closer to who I really am now. I feel good about where I am. I am not all the way, but I know that I have made large strides in the last 6 years, and especially in the last 11-12 months. If you are reading this, and you have known me, chances are that the person you are listening to is very different than the person you met....more on the inside than anywhere else....this is good :) So, I'm not ready...because, probably because I'm not really me yet. So if the questions is to be with someone, or to be with Christ as a religious...I don't really know because I don't really know myself well enough....yet :)

I read about one chapter on the way to the convent and, if you know anything about public transport or are educated enough to presume, it takes forever!! :) By the time I got to the convent, I was able to stay long enough to interrupt them playing BINGO, and to visit with a few of the sisters before I had to turn around and head back uptown so that I would not be late for 5pm mass at St. Frances of Assisi. That stinks, but I am always glad for any time that I have down at Sacred Heart with the seniors...:)

The good news is that I was back on the bus, ready for one more chapter of my book. I read some on the bus, laughing (yes, outloud), at some of the comments, and continued reading on the train THOROUGHLY distracted by the hundreds of New Yorkers that got on the train without pants. Yes...that's right, no pants! Improv Everywhere (check it out if you don't know about it and it sounds interesting) decided that this moment would be the time where hundreds of people would be riding the train with out pants....not sure how I feel about that particular task(and I have never been present for any of these challenges in NYC...Ironically I found out later that both Michelle and Crystal had planned on participating!), and it was a little distracting, but -no fear- I read on. Got off in time for mass after using, for the first time, the only public restroom that I know about (very clean and recommended...32nd and Broadway :) I finished reading a third chapter of the book as I arrived a half an hour before mass. I had a little bit of quiet time, and then began the celebration of the Solemnity of the Baptism of the LORD!!! :)

Mass was WONDERFUL today :) It always is, but it really hit home today. The music, friendly people, the feast, great! Fr. Jerome preached, which I LOVE, because he always does it with a prayer, beginning and closing with the sign of the cross. His last words were about being a witness to Christ in the way that we love :) Mass was very powerful for me, and I felt a strong calling to Christ (respsonsorial psalm helped that), and the offertory hymn of baptism, being washed, renewed and transformed...so good! We had to oldies but goodies from David Haas :) It's the end of Christmas, and it closed beautifully with the Baptism of the Lord, I mean, really the HS came down in the form of a dove, and God claimed Jesus as His son and said that He is well pleased with Him!!...What a BAPTISM!!! :)

After mass, Michelle and I went into Penn Station to take the train to Holy Hour, but first we stopped for some dinner on the go: lamb and rice...incredible...this also comes highly recommended as it is well-priced and on almost every street corner in the city! We headed up for the latter part of Frassati. (Every month, Catholic young adults in the city are invited by the Franciscan Friars, for mass at 5:30 followed by dinner and holy hour.) Since Michelle my belle lectored at the 5pm mass at St. Frances of Assisi, we made it in time for Holy Hour, which again was AMAZING! I will admit, that this is the first time that I have been actively engaged by Adoration. Today, in fact, was probably the first day that I was truly ready for it, after having read part of Becoming Who You Are, and really reflected on what parts of me are left to become who God meant....It was one of the most prayerful and close times that I have felt, and it was like Christ was just inviting ME (and everyone else there ;) to be with HIM... :) I'm excited to see if we go next month, as it will be on the oh-so-hallmark holiday, Valentine's Day!



After that, Michelle and I went to the diner, Lyric for hot chocolate, we were SO cold! And now that we know their entire evening staff by name, it has begun to be a quite 'homey' place for us to go and unwind before heading back to Columbus. The evening included hot chocolate which was DELICIOUS, plus an SVA student that, at first, was sitting alone. He began to talk to Michelle while I was in the bathroom, and...well, I invited him to sit with us because of the weird me looking over the booth thing with my head spun around like an owl...Turns out...and I'm sure you're not surprised, I'm not either. He had already moved from a prior location to the booth next to ours, probably per the citing of the oh-so-lovely Michelle....so our conversation kept leading to things like. Interested in hanging out? Do you guys go out? e-mail? Facebook? ...CLEARLY he had a motive, and I was NOT about to hand her over, so we got the checks, and I took the beautiful maiden with me back to the castle tower, Columbus Community where she is safe within the walls of the Convent ;)

On that note, so fortunately, I am going to head up to read and wait for the other beautiful maiden to return from her...well, that's why I'm waiting. I need to know how her night went ;) Good night, and a very very happy Sunday to you all! :)