I'm going to try as best as possible to sum up in a single day, all that was the grace of a summer of traveling!
ECUADOR (July 8-August 5...or 6th)
As most of you know, this summer was to be one of closure for many reasons. I was traveling around because, well, I'd always said I'd return to these countries, but MORE because after a year of not having income, I was left to wonder when returning might ever be possible. My trip back to Ecuador, where I had studied abroad in the Spring of 2007, was planned to last for a month. It was to spend time with friends and people I had met in Quito, and to take time away from the city, alone, to pray and reflect more about religious life (infamously named, "mi semana de soledad," or my week of solitude).
Arriving to Ecuador, I became aware of many things. I didn't want to come with expectations....but that's kind of hard! I found Quito....not quite as I remembered, or as I had left it! This was a little hard at first, but nostalgia wanted some things to be the same. It was GREAT because I was able to let go of Ecuador 2007, experience Ecuador 2010, and get some closure (I've had, since I left, the desire and kind of infatuation with all that Ecuador was for me). I was blessed to have a friend, Cesar, who was one of my closest Ecuadorian friends, pick me up from the airport. It was so INCREDIBLE to see him again! I had hoped also to return with my friend Jess from NC that I was close to there, but she couldn't come! :( Returning alone to Ecuador, I was so grateful to have Cesar's friendship and a place to call home! :) He graciously accepted me into his home and though he was very busy with work, let me complicate their lives a bit by driving in and out of the city with them every day. Thank you!!
Cesar drove his car into Quito to leave it at his mom's...which was a HUGE blessing because being with her was such a GRACE. I got to spend time with her, getting to know her story and sharing some of mine. At the same time, I FINALLY understood more about how latina mamas are! When I went back to Ecuador, I was so nervous about meeting with my host family, but I finally did because I appreciated them so much more after being more open to understanding latin family life! In the last 3 years I'd been gone, all of my siblings (then 25, 30 and 32) got married! And my mom, Maya, is already una abuela! :) Her granddaughter Sofia is so beautiful!
Soo.... the "semana de soledad."
I took a 10-hour bus ride through the night to a fishing town where I had gone with my friend Jess during Carnaval 2007. During that holiday time, there were NO PEOPLE, so I knew that if nothing else, I really would be ALONE!! When I got on the bus, the woman that sat next to me with her baby granddaughter exhaled a sigh of relief, and in Spanish, said - "Thank God, I'm sitting next to a woman!" I was thinking the same thing! For one, neither of us needed to sit for 10 hours next to a strange man, but more, she had a baby and didn't want her to be sitting next to a strange man! So...they were heading back to the coast where they were from, and where the mother was....AND....I LOOKED LIKE mom! Talk about graces for discernment! We were on the bus at 8:15pm and until 4:30am when they got off, the baby reached for me all night! With the most sincere look in her eyes, as if to say, "Mom, I'm hungry" or "Mom, I'm tired; hold me." ....So I fed her...and put her back to sleep, each time handing her back to the grandmother, only until the next time she'd want me! What a blessing....and how beautiful to experience that as a person discerning a path that wouldn't include me having children of my own. I will not to give up nurturing, but give up the experience of having a child look at me in that way...and as it happened,...I just felt peace. Peace and freedom....a letting go...
When I got to the fishing town, I had planned only to go to the beach, go to mass, and to spend time in reflection with the book, Vocations Anonymous.....and of course, to be open to anything that God wanted to see and/or experience! The mistake I made was sharing with EVERYONE that I met in this TINY little town, that I was there to reflect more, alone, on entering religious life (you'll see why). The first day that I was there, the only goal I had was to write my mission story that was supposed to be done at debriefing in June. I didn't write it, I discovered, because I was afraid to let go of last year. My Cabrini Mission Corps experience of ‘09-‘10 was easily one of the best years of my entire life per the relationships, the growth, the understanding, EVERYTHING....we were ALL putting off writing this gosh darn thing, because why would anyone want that to be over?
The problem: it was keeping all of us from moving forward to what lie ahead!
So I got together all of the energy I could through reflections from St. Vincent Palloti Center on ending the year, the readings calling me to be 'new' and the homily fit right along with it! I came home from this mass that, I found, was to take place daily at 7:30pm everyday. My only goal for the night was to write my mission story and I DID!!! :) SO GOOD....so the next day I wrote to Crys, Mish and Gina explaining why I'd been putting of my mission story...wrote them each a letter, and by the end of the day went back to my room with the peace of knowing that I FINALLY made a choice to move forward! :)
Hang tight.
The next day I went to breakfast and, rounding the corner, I found myself accompanied on this walk! "Eres de aqui, de Puerto Lopez?" Um, no, I'm not from here...I came here from Quito (orig. from the US) for 'una semana de solded.' Names were exchanged (his is Julio), but I told him that I wanted to spend some intentional time away from everyone with the idea of religious life. "En serio? Cuantos anos tienes?" 24...too young, perhaps he was thinking.... The same age (he's actually 6 days younger!)...we walked for a minute or two and he left me to go about my business. After a delicious cup of American coffee, I was headed to the beach (don’t get too excited, it was cool and cloudy!) for the rest of the day!
Bueno. I sat down and jotted down some feelings...where I was in the process of discernment, how I felt about being a sister, how I felt I was being open to what God was asking of me...
I began to read the book and stayed the whole afternoon reading the first few chapters and making notes of how it related to my own discernment process, but…it started to seem a little…fruitless. According to the book I was a flaming case of a religious vocation! It was very confirming of where I have come in the process of discerning religious life, but it left me feeling…like “now what?” Okay. So I’m going to be a sister :)
That night I was walking down the street that I was staying, looking at the few shops that there were, and of course, that put me right back where Julio was! I avoided him in EVERY way possible, until…he asked me to go dancing! That is the one weak spot I have …and being very deprived over the last 8 months, I conceded.
In my journal I would describe that evening as a problem for my “semana de soledad.” Rather than a week of “soledad” it would be come a “semana de comapnía.” And even though I wasn’t planning on a week of company, more than reading about book about religious life, it turned out to be exactly what I needed for my discernment.
I am going to try, in as brief a way as possible (ask anyone who’s gotten the full-length version!) to describe what this relationship was and how it affected my process of discerning, but also understanding life just a little bit more.
Julio and I were to begin what became, quickly, a melodramatic romance…I know that I have seen one too many films that portray this very same type of interaction!
I had tried at least once to convince him to leave me alone…for his sake. After a few days however, I had begun to discover that it would be not only for his sake, but mine, too, that this relationship stop. The night that I told him that I wanted to go home and not see him any more. It was the most honest, and probably harsh, that I have ever been with a man. I told him that I did not like the way that he had been treating me. In general, I had been having a good time, but it wasn’t worth the way that he would talk down to me, or pout, play games, etc. I said that for days I had been around him knowing how he was, so that was okay. BUT I said that I felt very bad for any other girl that he would date not ‘knowing’ how he is. That is TOO typical a situation-a girl not to know the dignity that she deserves and thus not commanding it.
He looked and me the entire time I gave my shpeel about dignity and how people should be treated. I have never seen eyes open so wide, and…well, oops, he started to cry a little…
After realizing just how much I had been putting up with, he asked me to sit down, and Julio and I shared what was to be our first very honest and sincere conversation. This would also be the point where I actually start to like him. YIKES! I stayed for 3 more days adding another day or two to my week of “solitude.” Being there, with him, was something I needed, but also very difficult. I was alone, emotions were high, and the environment had a lot of pressure and acceleration with the knowledge that I would only be in Ecuador for a short time.
My “retreat” was not guided by a director, but it was thankfully guided by the readings for each day. I literally THANK GOD for the timelessness of his words, and the way that they spoke to me that week (through scripture itself, the people I met, the experiences I was having). I was intentional about spending time everyday with his Word before going to mass (in Spanish and English!). The priest of the parish at Puerto Lopez was very supportive and protective of me during that time. He knew that I was being challenged, and he offered, daily, his prayers that I would be guided in the right direction. The families of the church even started to invite me to their homes and accepted me as part of the community!
The day before I left Julio tried to convince me to stay longer. He suggested that I call my mom, because …moms just know! So I called my mom, knowing that she was a logical person, and that she would give me the advice I needed to hear. “Go back. You are alone. You need time away to process all that’s going on.” Thanks, Mom!
So I was headed back to Quito…but after I bought my bus ticket, I was getting sick. I didn’t really want to go. After that talk that Julio and I had, things were quite different, and I was actually falling for this guy. I know, ME! As I boarded the bus to head back to Quito, I was devastated. I did not want to go. I did have other things I could do, but nothing that I had to do. I cried myself to sleep on the bus…
Arriving at 7:30am, I headed out to Calderon to César’s house and got there at 9am. I won’t go into detail, but when I got back, I just kind of felt …alone. Why did I leave Julio to come back in the first place?
I called my mom.
I told her that I wanted to go back…after a heightened emotional conversation and my mother wondering if I should really go back, my response was “Isn’t it just enough that I get to have the experience of feeling this way?” Fine. “But you have to go to the Dominican Republic." Deal.
That night, I was back on a bus through the night to Puerto Lopez! I showed up at 4:30 in the morning! I waited until about 5:20, sitting out Julio’s store journaling. I sent him a text, just to see if there was a chance he was still awake. He answered immediately! He wasn’t sleeping…we talked for a while and went to breakfast together. Everything was wonderful for…a couple hours! At breakfast the sun started to come out for the THIRD day on the equator (it was the rainy season). I was EXCITED!!! I’m going to the beach! “No you’re not.” Oh, really?! Pretty sure that I am.
We fought about that…I know!
“Fine, go read your nun book!” I packed a towel and my journal. I wasn’t going to read, I was going to enjoy the gift of sunshine and to PROCESS the guy! WHY DID I COME BACK?! I wrote a letter to him telling him what my intention was in coming back. I explained, that though it was difficult for him, that I am a person that thinks a lot. And he was talking WAY too much about the future. I told him that if he was looking for someone to be that committed after a week to find another one! But on a more serious note I said that I came back to be in that space with him, unknowing…to be open to the graces that God was presenting for both of us, and I invited him to join that space. When I returned to give him the note, I proudly handed it to him. I was sure that he would understand, maybe apologize, and…well, he got angry!
I KNOW! He started venting about how something was wrong with my forma de pensar…the way I think…”You only think about the nuns! Just go to your nuns! I can’t marry someone like you, wondering every day if you’ll still be around (alluding to disponibilitá).” …he was exaggerating, but it was better that he realize that this wasn’t ‘meant to be’!!!!
“You’re right, can a rewrite your letter?!” He handed the letter to me, and I was so grateful to him. It is the way that I think! :) Thank God ;) It’s not because sisters wouldn’t be good mothers or wives. It's because they can’t get the idea of religious life out of their head because that’s what they were made for! I thanked him for helping me to better understand and said that I have never had the experience of being attracted to someone in that way. How special it was that he gave me the opportunity to discern religious life with the idea of being with someone in that way! I did tell him, though, how much I still hoped and had faith in him finding the right girl… He got MORE ANGRY.
“If you want to pretend while you’re here until Sunday, I’ll do that. I’ll act like were dating and walk around with you if that’s what you want, but after you leave, I never want to hear from you. Don’t call, write or email me anything!” Angry, he told me to delete every text message I had ever sent him. I’m sure he was searching for “No, Julio, don’t make me do that!!!” BUT, of course, I deleted them! Then he said to delete every message that he had sent me. Naturally, I complied. Now both of your phone numbers! Done.
At that moment he realized that he had no record of my existence.
That, of course, though what he asked for made him FURIOUS! That would be the first of a couple more times that I would not really feel safe around him.
I do not know how I left that situation, nor do I know how things turned, yet again, but that afternoon, it was like it never happened…
That was all in the first few hours after returning! I’m sure you can imagine what the next five days would be like! I know this is getting long! SORRY! This is the short version! HA!
The last night/morning that I was in Puerto Lopez, would be the WORST of the WORST! And as HORRIBLE as it was to be around him, that afternoon right before I left would be the BEST of the BEST. That afternoon was indicative of what the whole experience was – a lot of really high highs but too many low lows. Either way, we ended on a good note…I was sad to go, more emotional than the first time…which is surprising because I had my period the first time! (TMI, I know!)
Returning to Quito was hard for two reasons. I had two days and too many things to do in a very short time. The other reason was that Julio would not stop calling me! In addition to being mean and controlling…I left out the part about him being jealous and distrusting! He didn’t trust me to be with any friend from school …it was unfortunate!
But even though he was sending me mean messages, I still had a wonderful time with Alejandro a friend from my jazz class. He and I had a very intriguing conversation about life, religion, maturity, really great and grace-filled :)
I had the blessing of seeing my host family from 2007. My three siblings had all gotten married in the last three years, and one of my sisters had a year-old baby! For the first and only time, I was able to CONVERSE with my family! Believe it or not, my Spanish was significantly better than when I studied there! We talked about life, learning, religious life. It was so special and such a God gift!
I got to spend some last minute time with Susy and César and the gang, but everything see so rushed as I was preparing to leave :( The night I was packing to leave I had my last conversation with Crys before her departure to the Philippines on the phone…I ran out of money on my phone, so I couldn’t even call Julio!
That morning, I went with my bags to Susy’s, and only 15min before I would have called a cab, Julio sent me a text. “¿Puedes venir acá?” Well…he knew I didn’t have money, so why would he asked me “Can you come here” if he knew I couldn’t answer!? A minute later he called me and said, “Don’t be silly, I’m in the airport!” Ahhh!
Called a cab, grabbed my bags and headed to the airport! I got there when I really should have checked in but stayed to talk to him for a bit...
the fact that I stayed at all to talk to him meant that I was missing my flight…I didn’t know that, though. I went through the doors, and he left. When I entered to check in, the counters were deserted. One straggler said, “Esta cerrado.” How could it be closed!? You all just leave and nothing happens!? At that moment, all I could hear was my mom saying, “What ever you do, you have to go to the Dominican Republic.” OH MY. I was going to have to tell my mom that because of this guy, I missed a flight from Quito, Ecuador to Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic.
They told me to pick up the service phone and press “0” to get help. I did that. Nothing happened. They told me to go to the AA office…I waited an hour as my flight boarded and I heard my name being called…I was missing an expensive flight…
They said that they could not help me and sent me to their offices in the city to try to rebook...there were no available flights out of Quito for weeks! What should I DO?! I had already given my cell phone back to Cesar, and the ONLY phone number I knew by heart was Julio’s! So I called him and he came back to help me!
A few hours and $450 later, I had a ticked to the DR from Guayaquil, the largest city in Ecuador about 7 hours away in a bus….that city, my friends, is where Julio is from. That is where he came from, through the night, to meet me before my flight. He and I took the 7, turned 10-hour, bus ride to Guayaquil to catch my flight the next day.
We had one more day together! Great!! Just a little more time. BUT rather than enjoying it….I had never wanted to be further away! In a high stress situation, involving a lot of money that I DON’T have for careless decisions, the time proved to be anything but wonderful. He treated me in all of the ways that I asked him not to. And when it came time to leave in the morning he took me to the airport. “Me quieres más o menos?” Knowing that I DO NOT lie, he thought it would be a good idea to see if I liked him more or less at this point. I was honest. “Menos.”
I went through security, anxious to be sure that I didn’t miss another flight. I was headed to the DR a day late, which only (a big deal with a lot of embarrassment) meant that I had to change the visit with my sponsor child to the end of my trip. On the plane I tried to review and process Ecuador, specifically Julio, so as to be the best I could for the wonderful people in the DR. I started to get so excited to go and as everything got more and more familiar, including the faces to pick me up at the airport. I couldn’t help but be incredibly thankful to God for ALL that he has done and continues to do in my life.
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